Already Gone
by tjsmklvr
Summary: Lee and Amanda attempt to deal with her kidnapping by Birol and the events surrounding it, each in their own way.
1. Chapter 1

**Already Gone**

 **By:** Tjsmklvr

 **Written:** 10/14/15 – 1/13/17

 **Genre:** AU

 **Rating:** T

 **Setting:** Immediately following Season 4's 'The Man Who Died Twice' (Tag never happened)

 **Summary:** Lee and Amanda attempt to deal with her kidnapping by Birol and the events surrounding it, each in their own way.

 **Special Thanks:** Thank you to my beta Anne for finding all my typos and making great suggestions. A HUGE 'thank you' to my beta and sounding board, Sheila. If it weren't for her this story wouldn't be what it is.

 _Remember all the things we wanted_

 _Now all the memories, they're haunted_

Saturday, November 22, 1986

He absently rubbed his hand up and down her arm as she lay across his lap. The TV played before them, but neither was paying much attention. He'd stoked the fire before the sun had gone down and it was now dwindling. Only the occasional 'pop' of the remaining logs as they burned snapped the stillness of the room. This was the first time since her abduction by Addi Birol that they'd had a moment to really relax and enjoy each other's company. She'd only had a few days to recuperate before they were assigned unofficially of course, to help their supervisor Billy Melrose put the missing pieces of his weekend together. They weren't even back in the office before Amanda was given a 'letter' from The Agency. Her security clearance was stripped from her after being accused of subversive tendencies. Lee snorted quietly to himself at the thought of Amanda being a radical. The most radical thing she'd ever done . . . he stopped for a moment to think . . . well, come to think about it, she'd done a lot of radical things since he'd handed her that package on that cool, fall morning. He smiled to himself in spite of the heavy cloud that he felt hanging over them.

They had both agreed to stay in rather than go out for dinner, opting for a nice relaxing evening in. Except that Lee wasn't relaxed. His mind hadn't stopped running through the events of the past three weeks. First, his heart had been ripped out of his chest when he flew out of that warehouse and found the van that Amanda had been waiting in had disappeared. Then upon receiving the note that simply read 'Nightcrawler for the woman,' he had endured a lecture from his supervisor and the resident shrink, Quidd. 'How dare they try to tell me who I owed what to?' He knew exactly what he owed to his source and it didn't even begin to touch what he owed the loving woman now laying in his lap. He glanced down and watched the rhythmic rise and fall of her chest as she slept.

'God! How could I have let that happen?' He leaned his head back against the couch and stared up at the ceiling. 'The day I grabbed hold of you on that busy train platform changed my life forever.' He could never go back now. She made him a better man. Made him want to be the man she saw every time her beautiful brown eyes locked on his.

But how could he be so selfish? How could he keep putting her in danger? And it wasn't just her life that was in danger, was it? It was her two boys and mother too. If her kidnapping wasn't a big enough wake up call, the business with Khai and his son earlier that week should have been.

Her once relaxed form was now struggling against him and he attempted to calm her with his soft words of love and the gentle rubbing of her back. After a minute, she began to settle and he continued to soothe her until she fell back to sleep. He brushed an errant lock of hair off her brow before kissing the top of her head. "I love you, Amanda. I would do anything to keep you and your family safe," he whispered. At that moment, she snuggled deeper into him and sighed.

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The next evening . . .

Amanda stood staring blankly out the kitchen window with her hands absently scrubbing a glass. She hadn't even noticed that the once hot water in the sink had gone ice cold.

She jumped, dropping the glass against the remaining dishes when she felt a hand on her shoulder. The sound of glass breaking mixed with the scream she emitted. "Don't do that, Jamie! It's not nice to sneak up on a person!" She scolded before searching for the broken pieces of glass in the murky water.

"But I didn't, Mom. I called you a bunch of times, but you were in a trance or something." His brown eyes were as big as saucers as he stared at her disbelievingly. "I'm sorry, Mom. I didn't mean to scare you. It's just . . . well, you've been washing that glass for a while now. Are you okay?"

She stopped what she was doing when she heard the fear in her youngest son's voice. Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, she dried her hands off and then lifted Jamie's chin to look him in the eyes.

"Sweetheart, I'm sorry I yelled at you. I didn't hear you and I know you weren't trying to startle me." She pulled him into a hug and rested her cheek on the top of his head. "Why don't you go on upstairs and grab a shower before your brother uses up all the hot water, huh?" She joked.

"Okay." He laughed nervously.

"Okay. I'll be up shortly to say goodnight. Go on now." She shooed him up the stairs before returning to the sink and the broken glass. Draining the cold water from the sink, she then rinsed off the remaining dishes, setting them aside, before picking up the broken shards.

She hissed when a small sliver pricked her index finger. Pulling out the offending glass, she immediately sucked her finger into her mouth. The slight taste of blood sent her stomach churning. The smallest hint of taste and smell of blood sent her mind reeling to just a few short weeks ago when Addi Birol held her captive.

Amanda's throat constricted and her stomach lurched. A feeling of pure, unadulterated dread came over her. She fought the images that flashed in her mind: a gun, a flash of smoke, and the sounds of a man screaming and shaking her by her arms.

She closed her eyes and took several deep breaths as Dr. Quidd had instructed her. 'You're safe. He can't get you. Breathe, Amanda. Breathe,' she mentally reminded herself. After a few moments, her pulse returned to normal, and she moved to the drawer for a bandage.

Finally getting the boys into bed, Amanda came back downstairs and poured herself a glass of white wine. She then slipped out the back door to sit in the gazebo. As she sipped her wine, she could feel the tension slowly leave her body. Over the past few nights, the wine had proven to come in handy when trying to sleep. Until she realized its true potential earlier in the week, she hadn't experienced much success in sleeping. But she had found that a single glass of wine before bed had allowed her a few hours of sleep. That was until she woke up in a sweat, reliving the ordeal over and over again. Each night was different. Some nights Lee got to her in time, some nights he didn't and she was raped or killed or both, and other nights they were both killed. No matter the result, sleep had been impossible to grasp.

Amanda whirled around, spilling her wine in the process when she felt arms wrap around her waist.

"Oh, Amanda! I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking." He grimaced. "I didn't . . . I'm sorry." Lee reached out to her but she moved several feet away from him to calm herself.

"It's okay, Lee. I just didn't hear you come up." 'It seems I'm going deaf on top of everything else,' she thought. Amanda attempted to blot the wine that had dribbled down the front of her blouse and forced a smile.

"I'm sorry I made you spill your wine." He gestured to her chest, but then tilted his head in confusion. "Everything okay? I mean, you don't normally drink wine this late at night, especially on a school night." His brow furrowed.

"Relax, Scarecrow. It's just a **glass** ," she chided. "There was a little bit left in the bottle that my mother had opened the other night and I didn't want it to go bad," she lied, but was relieved when he seemed to buy her explanation.

Feeling guilty for lying, she hurried to change the subject. "So what brings you by this late, Lee?" She forced a smile when she heard the sharpness in her tone.

"Uh, I was in the neighborhood?" She could see his dimples even in the moonlit night.

"No, really. Why are you here?" She swallowed the last of the wine and placed the glass on the wicker and glass side table.

"Can't a guy come by and see his fiancé without having to explain himself?" He joked. This time he wouldn't be denied contact with her. His hands wrapped around her waist and pulled her to him. His lips immediately went to the sensitive spot just below her right ear.

Amanda smiled and could feel goose bumps forming on her arms at the feel of his tender lips on her neck. Relaxing in his arms, she closed her eyes, enjoying the sensations he was invoking.

Moments later, she jumped out of her skin at the sound of a car backfiring down the street. Lee held her tight and seemed concerned at her reaction, but she played it off. "Wow, you just about had me to sleep, I was so relaxed. Guess I should probably go up to bed," she rushed. Giving him a peck on the lips, she grabbed the empty glass as she wished him goodnight and then scurried into the house, locking the door behind her.

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 _We were always meant to say goodbye  
_

Tuesday, November 25, 1986

Amanda rubbed her temples. "I can't believe this is happening," she whispered to herself.

"Hey . . ." He soothed. "If you could just think about this logically, you would see this is for the best." He sat on the coffee table, his legs wedged between hers, essentially keeping her from bolting from the room.

"Logically? H . . . how?" Her voice cracked and she frantically searched his saddened eyes for answers. "How is abandoning me, what's best? You told me that you loved me, Lee. Was that just a lie to get me into bed?" She held her breath, fearing his reply. A small part of her had warned to be more cautious when it came to the giving of her heart to the man in front of her. But she had disregarded those thoughts and pressed on, not able to fight the magnetic draw that had always been there between them.

"God no!" He rushed. "I **do** love you, Amanda. But don't you see what knowing me . . . what being involved with me has done to your life?" His thumb gently stroked her right knee.

"You _love_ me?" She laughed sardonically. "You _**LOVE**_ me?" Her voice grew louder. "How can you say that and in the next breath tell me we can't be together anymore?" She roughly wiped the tear from her cheek and then shoved his hand off her leg in disgust before attempting to extricate herself from the couch. He blocked her way and she glared at him pointedly. "You asked me to be your **WIFE,** Lee! What changed in a matter of weeks?"

"I told you, I just can't . . . I can't do this to you anymore. Don't you see, you could have been sold to the Libyans or worse, killed by Birol's own hands right in front of me?"

"Lee, you're letting one incident –"

He wasn't deterred by her protests and pressed on. "I've thought about this every minute of every hour since he took you. You need to resign from the Agency. Go back to your family, Amanda. Stay away from me, from the Agency. Stay in your safe life, in your stable home where your young boys that need you to be around for a very, **very** long time are. I told you once before, I'm poison!"

"Oh, Lee, that couldn't be further from the truth," she pleaded.

He pulled her to him and gently pressed his forehead against hers before whispering, "You're My Heaven, Amanda . . . but I think . . . just maybe . . . I'm your Hell." He then placed a very tender kiss to her temple and held her tightly against his chest.

Amanda's eyes fluttered closed of their own volition and she breathed deeply, taking in his scent and the feeling of the deep, deep love surrounding her. Her emotions were a jumbled mess, but she needed to focus on how to get her partner . . . her lover to remember that they were better together than apart. He had to understand that her kidnapping by Addi Birol was **not** his fault. That what happened to Kai and his family, didn't mean certain doom for her and her family. But when she opened her eyes, he was gone. She felt the cool air from the back door that he'd left wide open and in that moment she felt as though her heart had been ripped to shreds.


	2. Chapter 2

_Even with our fists held high  
it never would have worked out right, yeah  
we were never meant for do or die_ _  
_

Monday, January 12, 1987

Amanda was both surprised and grateful that the past seven weeks had flown by. Between finishing her Agency training classes, assisting on several cases, and preparing for and getting through the holidays, she wasn't left with a lot of time for wallowing in self-pity. The most difficult times were after the boys and mother went to bed, when the house was quiet and she was left alone with her thoughts. At first, she had spent most nights in the gazebo. The cold, wintery evening air chilling her to the core, with only the hope that Lee would have come to his senses, return home and beg her forgiveness to keep her warm.

That hope had quickly died after the first two-weeks of his 'overseas assignment.' Mr. Melrose had tried to convince her that he was the **only** agent for the job, but she knew that it was all part of Lee's master plan to sever ties with her; to make a clean break from her and their relationship.

How perfect for him that his assignment just happened to be half a world away from her and required 'zero contact' except for his daily check-ins with their section chief. Leaving her to deal with . . . well, everything that had happened. She mentally shook the thoughts from her head as she saw Francine heading her way from across the bullpen.

"Good morning, Francine." Amanda smiled sweetly, preparing for the usual snide comments from her peer. She poured herself a cup of coffee, adding sugar as she felt the blonde agent's eyes watching her.

"Morning, Amanda. Billy wants to see you and your partner before you head over to State."

Amanda twisted her watch around to check the time. "It's going to have to wait until after my appointment with Dr. Quidd." At Francine's obvious look of pity, Amanda pressed on. "But I'll be sure Willie and I stop by and see Mr. Melrose before leaving. Thank you for letting me know, Francine. I need to go if I'm going to make that appointment." She turned and rushed out the double doors of the bullpen before Francine could respond, but could hear the blonde agent mumble something about being a 'motor mouth.'

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 _You couldn't have loved me better  
But, I want you to move on  
So, I'm already gone_

Amanda entered the small corner office located on the fourth floor and glanced at the old-fashioned clock sitting on the cherry bookshelf that lined the entire back wall of the room. "Right on time," she sighed.

"Mrs. King –" Dr. Quidd called as he entered his office. He closed the door behind him and took a seat across from her. _  
_

"Doctor, I thought we agreed you would call me 'Amanda'? I mean, I've been meeting with you weekly for the past two and a half months."

"You're right, we did." He smiled warmly at her. "So, _Amanda_ , how often are you experiencing the flashbacks now?"

"Definitely less than I was. But they just sneak up on you, you know? I can be having a normal conversation with someone and something is said, or I hear a noise and like that," she snapped her fingers, "I'm right back in that white-paneled room with _him_." She shrugged. "Am I ever going to be normal again?"

"First of all, you are normal, Amanda. Secondly, you just said they have been happening less frequently, right?" At her nod, he continued. "There will come a time when you won't have them anymore. It just takes time."

"I know. I just wish I could fast forward and get to that part. I don't want to have all these feelings anymore." She could hear the longing in her voice and mentally reprimanded herself for letting her emotions show. 'A good agent compartmentalizes and never lets their emotions show,' she reminded herself.

"Amanda?"

She looked up in surprise. "I'm sorry, what was that, Doctor?"

"What feelings, Amanda?"

"Um, you know the fear and having no control - over my emotions," she added quickly and immediately wished she would have made it sound more believable.

"What is it you haven't faced yet, Amanda?"

"What do you mean? I've told you everything, Doctor. How I felt when I was being held by Birol, how I felt after . . ." she trailed off not wanting him to delve any deeper.

"After Agent Stetson mounted a one-man rescue mission to get you back." He eyed her carefully.

"Yes."

"Yet, in all of our sessions, Agent Stetson's participation in all this has never been discussed. Whenever I've attempted to bring him into the conversation you've sidestepped me and pushed the discussion in another direction. Why is that, Amanda? Are you protecting him?"

"No," she blurted out.

"Who are you protecting then? Yourself?"

When her head snapped up she was certain that he saw the haunted look in her eyes before she had a chance to conceal it. If she confided in the good doctor . . . If anyone knew, it would eventually get back to . . . him.

"What are you protecting yourself from, Amanda?"

She sat ramrod straight and played with an errant thread hanging off the arm of the chair. She breathed evenly, careful to remain calm.

"I see. So, Agent Stetson plays a more prominent role in your life than just your partner? That certainly would explain his anxiety when you were taken." He nodded and scribbled in his notepad.

"Not anymore." Her voice cracked and she mentally berated herself for showing a crack in her armor.

"What do you mean, 'not anymore'?"

"He left me." Three simple words, but they said so much. Somehow saying them aloud had broken the dam. "Every part of him has been ripped from me." The sobbing that followed was both cathartic and painful. While it felt good to release the emotions that she'd bottled up over the course of the last two months, it upset her to give him that much power over her. He left her at a time when she needed him most. How could she miss him? How could her heart betray her and want him back?

"So, he was . . ." His voice trailed off as she let out a sigh and nodded.

Her session with Dr. Quidd was extended an additional hour as they worked through Amanda's myriad of emotions. At the end of the session, she had felt completely drained and stopped into the ladies room to pull herself together and regain some semblance of control of her emotions. It was time to compartmentalize once again like the good little agent she was.


	3. Chapter 3

_Looking at you makes it harder  
But, I know that you'll find another  
That doesn't always make you wanna cry_

Monday, March 23, 1987

Lee paced a small path in his boss' carpet. He wasn't back in the States for even a few hours and he was already feeling the tension. Billy Melrose's voice boomed, startling him from his thoughts.

"What happened, Man? Things seemed to be going so well between the two of you and then one night you call me at home and tell me you need to get out of Washington immediately to chase down some obscure lead."

"Bil-ly!" He tugged his hand through his hair and started to pace the room. "It wasn't obscure and you know it. They threatened –"

"There are always threats, Man! You were desperate, Lee. I could hear it through the phone. Did she want you to get too serious? Is that it?"

"No!" He mumbled under his breath. "Can't you just drop it?" He said through gritted teeth.

"I really thought you were finally going to allow yourself to fall in love this time. But I guess she's just another one along the way, huh?" The look of disappointment was evident on Billy's face.

"What? No, Billy. Noooo!" He sighed and fell into one of the chairs in front of his supervisor's desk defeated. How could he explain it so that the older man would understand?

"Well, you begged me to leave; up until then you had been adamantly turning down any assignments that would take you out of the country." The stout man came around and perched on the edge of his desk directly in front of Lee. The concern was unmistakable in the deep crease in his brow. "Don't you miss her at all, Son?"

"Only when I breathe." He whispered mostly to himself and then looked up sadly.

Billy shook his head as if he was trying to make sense of it all. "I don't under–"

"The threats were real, Billy! Birol's team wasn't going to stop until they made me pay for the capture of their leader. And you know exactly how they were planning to do just that!"

"We could have sent someone else in. You should have stayed with her." Billy scolded.

"How is she? Have you heard from her since she left? Is she okay?" He rushed, hoping his supervisor had kept tabs on her. She always had a way of attracting trouble. He looked up when his supervisor didn't speak and saw the confusion in the older man's face.

"Left? She didn't leave the Agency, Lee."

"She didn't?" He was certain that she'd leave if he were out of the picture. "Please tell me you don't have her out in the field, Billy!"

The older man just nodded his head and shrugged.

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 _Moments later . . ._

Lee silently observed her typing furiously on the keyboard in front of her. She hadn't even stopped when he opened the door. He took advantage of the fact that she was in deep concentration and watched her from the door for a moment. Her hair was swept up in a messy ponytail, with small wisps teasing the back of her neck. He wanted nothing more than to kiss that neck and the woman it belonged to. He was startled from his musings when she spoke.

"I think you're right, we should recheck the staff list again just to be sure," she replied absently, never taking her eyes off the screen in front of her.

"Amanda." Before he even got her name completely out of his mouth, her hands stopped mid-stroke. She raised her head from the monitor in front of her and she stared straight ahead, never looking back at him.

Lee waited for her to turn around but she didn't move a muscle. He wasn't even sure if she was breathing. "Can we talk?" When she made no attempt at acknowledging his presence, he walked further into the room and sat in the chair that was positioned in front of her desk. He sat watching her as she stared right past him. She never blinked. "Aman—"

"What do you want, Scarecrow?" Her voice was flat and emotionless.

"Can we talk?"

"We have nothing to discuss." She returned to her typing, hitting the keys much harder than she had previously.

"Please, Amanda. I know you're angry with me. You have every right to be. But, I need –"

"You need?" She snorted and shook her head in disgust. "Look, you take . . ." flustered, she yanked the bottom desk drawer open and pulled out a small, velvet black box. She placed it on top of the files at the edge of her desk and then slammed the drawer closed. Picking the box back up, she threw it at him. "Take it and get out."

"No," he shook his head vehemently while holding it out to her to take back. "No, it's yours, Amanda."

"Not anymore, Scarecrow. Not for, oh, let's see how long have you been gone?" Her eyes were like steel and pierced his heart. She pushed her chair away from her desk and stood before moving toward the door. Once she jerked the door open she indicated that he should go.

He stood and walked purposely to the door, reached above her head and closed the door before standing in front of it, essentially blocking her from either opening it again to force him out or escaping from it herself.

"Please move." She reached for the handle, but he blocked her.

He felt his jaw tense when he could feel and smell her as she attempted to reach around him. "We need to talk," he spoke with a gravely voice.

"Oh! We need to talk? Funny, I would have liked to have done that about . . . oh, four months ago when you decided to slip out of the country. So you'll have to excuse me when I say go to Hell!" The sarcasm nearly dripped from her.

"Amanda, why didn't you leave the Agency? It's not safe for you to be –" He was cut off by the rattling of the door knob on the other side, followed by an insistent knocking.

"Amanda? The door's jammed again. Can you let me in?" Came the disembodied voice from the hall. To Lee's ears the voice sounded like it belonged to a twelve-year old boy.

She looked at Lee expectantly. When he made no attempt to move, she tried to shove him out of the way. "He's got a key, Scarecrow. Now move!" She whispered harshly.

"Why would he have a key to our office?" He growled back.

"First of all, it's not 'our' office anymore. There is no more 'our,' don't you remember? And secondly, it's my office. Mine and my partner's."

'Partner?' Suddenly dizzy, Lee stumbled back when she attempted to push him aside to open the door again, this time more aggressively.

Lee watched the much younger man rush into the room, wielding his gun as soon as Amanda had unlocked and opened the door. 'Rookie!' Lee grunted.

The dark-haired man appeared to take in the room quickly before settling his eyes on Amanda. His hands taking hold of her upper arms.

"Amanda, what happened? I heard yelling as I approached and then I couldn't open the door. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Willie." Amanda answered as she glanced sideways to Lee. "The door must have been jammed."

'Willie? You've got to be kidding me!' Lee thought as he watched the exchange.

"Uh, hello. I don't believe we've met." The young agent stood straighter and held out his hand to Lee. Lee took a moment to sum up his replacement. The man stood about six feet tall with dark, almost black hair that was kept quite short, almost that of an Air Force cadet. When Lee shook his hand, he squeezed it tighter than necessary and was surprised when the man-child returned it ten-fold. "Willie Matthews, Amanda's partner."

"Lee Stetson. And I'm afraid you're mistaken, _Willie_. Amanda is _MY_ partner."

"I believe you're the one who is mistaken, Mr. Stetson. Mr. Melrose partnered Amanda and I together several months ago." He smiled brightly, as if challenging Lee to argue with him.

"Oh, Mr. Melrose did, did he? We'll see about that, _Willie."_ Lee spewed through gritted teeth.

"Okay, Fellas. That's enough. Scarecrow, please excuse us. We have work to do." She indicated the open door. "You know your way out."

He knew that tone in Amanda's voice. It was the 'don't mess with me, Stetson' tone that he hadn't heard in a long time; so long that he almost missed it. Almost. He stared down the man in front of him before he felt her pushing him from behind to guide him out the door. He grabbed the door jamb before she could shut the door on him. "We're not done with this conversation, Amanda."

"Oh, I'd say we are. Goodbye," she retorted.

Before he had a chance to argue, the door was slammed in his face and he heard the distinct click of the lock being put in place. He stared blankly at it, disbelieving what had just occurred.


	4. Chapter 4

_It started with the perfect kiss then  
We could feel the poison set in  
_

After convincing her new partner that she was fine and the door really had just been jammed, Amanda went home to a very quiet, very empty house. Her mother was out with friends and the boys were with their dad for the evening. Leaving her to her own devices.

A chill ran up her spine and the hair stood up on the back of her neck as she walked from the driveway to the back door. This was beginning to be a regular occurrence for her over the past few days. Glancing behind her and seeing no one, she continued through the backdoor and over to the kitchen window to peer out at her empty yard. Shaking off the feeling of being followed, she opened the fridge and pulled out the fixings for a sandwich.

Moments later she was sitting in the den staring at the fireplace watching as the flames nipped at the logs. Her sandwich barely touched, she continued to sip her wine. Her focus was on the return of her partner . . . or rather her former partner. Why was he back? Why did he leave in the first place? The questions were flooding her conscious. There were so many questions, but no answers.

Amanda glanced out the French doors and caught a glimpse of a shadow as it ducked down out of sight. She rolled her eyes. "Not this time, Buster!" She whispered to herself. She quickly stood and proceeded to snuff out the fire before grabbing her dishes and bringing them into the kitchen. A quick note was left on the counter for her mother and sons to let them know she had gone to bed with a headache. Within seconds she had the lights turned off, and had double-checked the doors before going upstairs for the night. She made a mental note to forgo her nightly fresh air and lock her bedroom window in case a certain spy got any ideas.

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Lee stood in the large, quiet conference room sipping his second cup of coffee when he saw Amanda and Willie stroll into the bullpen talking animatedly. His fist clenched at his side, and he took in a deep breath as he anticipated their arrival into the room.

The staff meeting was minutes from starting, but he was having trouble focusing his thoughts. Between his lack of sleep the night before from sitting outside the four walls of the King home until the wee hours of the morning, and watching his fiancé and partner being chummy with her _temporary_ partner, it was enough to drive him to the brink.

Now he was being forced to spend the next hour in the same room with them. The thought of not being able to touch her or really talk to her was frustrating to say the least.

" . . . Scarecrow has returned from his zero contact assignment, we'll be getting him back into the swing of things." Lee was pulled from his musings when he heard his codename and turned his attention to his supervisor at the front of the room. "Next on the agenda is the security on the upcoming 25th anniversary of the Battle of Puebla –"

"Just call it what it is, Billy. 'Cinco de Mayo' – another reason to get drunk on margaritas and stuff ourselves with chips and salsa!" Fred Fielder blurted out. The room was a mix of laughter and rolling eyes.

"I doubt very highly the Mexican Embassy will be serving margaritas and salsa, Fielder!" Francine said in disgust, which received an even louder round of laughter.

Lee took the opportunity to watch Amanda from across the room. She was doing her best to appear relaxed as she politely laughed at the banter between Fred and Francine. He could see her anxiety in the way she held her frame, and in the way her body was shaking ever so slightly, from the constant tapping of her leg, no doubt.

"Okay, if we've had our fun, people . . . can we get on with our meeting?" Billy glared at Fred and Francine before turning to Amanda and smiling. "Agent King? Could you please give us an update on the security for the event?"

Lee was startled to hear their supervisor refer to her as 'Agent King.' He realized now that she would have likely completed her training during the time he was gone, but it was still hard to believe. The woman who had once been a naïve innocent that he had inadvertently pulled into this dangerous business, was now standing in front of a room full of highly trained operatives briefing them on national security issues. As much as he had hoped she would have quit, he couldn't help but be proud as hell of her for sticking with it. He mentally shook his thoughts as he focused on what she was saying.

"We've got about three weeks before the event. The president has confirmed he will attend and we've finished the background checks of the entire embassy staff. After a review of the floor plans, we've added a few more cameras in some of the corridors that we felt were lacking coverage. We'll be looking for additional support as we work through the checks on the vendors and their staffs."

"I'll help!" Lee blurted out without thinking.

Amanda blanched at his outburst. "Um . . ." She turned to Billy pleadingly. "Uh, Sir?"

"Well, you do need help." He shrugged before looking at Lee skeptically and continued. "And he is the only agent free of assignments right now."

"Great! Then it's settled!" Lee crowed triumphantly. 'Score one for the good guy.' He thought as he saw the looks Amanda and her little friend were giving each other.

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Immediately after the staff meeting, Amanda followed her supervisor out of the conference room and into his office. Like the good puppy he was, Willie followed obediently behind. **"** Sir, I really don't think putting Scarecrow on this with us—"

From the open doorway Lee snorted when she referred to her and 'Willie-the-puppy-dog' as 'us.'

She looked over her shoulder and glared at him before turning her focus back on the older man. "It's just not a good idea, Sir."

Lee watched her wring her hands as she paced the small path in Billy's office. A trait she unwittingly picked up from him. Her so-called- _partner_ , sat by helplessly, a look of worry etched on his face.

"Normally, I would agree with you, Amanda. But unfortunately, this seems to be the only option. You admitted yourself, there is too much work for two people to do in only three weeks."

"Please, Sir."

Lee moved further into the room, careful to walk around his pacing partner before sitting in the vacant chair next to Willie.

"Does he really need to be here, Sir?" She scowled at Lee.

"Being the subject of the discussion, I feel I have a right to be here, Amanda." He replied politely. Lee couldn't contain the smug look of satisfaction at Billy's next words.

"Now I'm sorry, Amanda but I'm afraid Lee is the only one not on an assignment right now. You'll both just have to put your differences aside and work together."

Amanda stopped pacing and took in a deep cleansing breath. "Fine, Sir. We're professionals. If you say we have to work with Scarecrow, then we'll work with him."

"Lee." At her look of confusion, he continued. "My name. It's 'Lee.' You keep referring to me as Scarecrow."

"We are merely co-workers. Using your codename is quite appropriate." She snipped.

"Well, if we're going to be working together –"

"See what I mean, Sir? I really don't think he's capable –"

"Now wait a minute! I'm more than –"

"You can't even –"

"That's enough, both of you!" Billy commanded.

"Sir! She yelled in the same loud voice before realizing to whom she was yelling. "I'm sorry, Sir." Amanda had the decency to look contrite.

"Sorry, Billy." Lee said automatically, not really feeling sorry for his actions. When it came to this woman, all logic fell away.

"Now, I want the three of you," He looked pointedly at all three agents, "To go up to the Q and get going on this assignment. The President's safety is what's most important right now." He stood and nodded toward the door. A clear indication he was through with them.

"Yes, Sir." She sulked.

"Thanks, Billy." Lee smiled inwardly.


	5. Chapter 5

_"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive  
You know that I love you so  
I love you enough to let you go_

"Amanda, we need to get over to the embassy to go over the schedule with the ambassador's assistant." Willie grasped her elbow guiding her out of the bullpen and toward the elevator.

"Okay, let's go." She nodded.

Lee was pouring his third cup of coffee in the bullpen when he saw Amanda and Willie heading for the outside elevator. He threw his cup in the wastebasket before rushing out the double doors after them. "Hey!" He yelled after them. "We're supposed to be working together on this assignment." He watched as they slipped into the lift.

"Sorry, Scarecrow! We've got this taken care of." She shouted over her shoulder. "Why don't you wait here and start on the background checks?" Amanda called out as the doors were closing.

The gleam in her eye was unmistakable. 'She enjoyed that far too much,' he thought as he jabbed at the 'up' button several times in a last ditch effort to bring the car back to his floor.

"Well, well, well. You go away for a few months and everything changes. Go figure," Francine's voice dripped with sarcasm.

"Knock it off, Francine." Lee's left hand absently ran through his hair while his right was stationed on his hip. "I don't need your smart mouth right now, Desmond."

"Oh, poor Lee. Is this a bad time for you? Kind of like leaving your partner when she'd just been through hell?"

His eyes shot to the blonde woman in front of him. "What are you talking about?" His voice left no room for argument.

"Come on, Lee! You left your partner to go through the hardest time of her life alone. She's still seeing Quidd weekly, you know. How could you do that to her?" She shook her head in apparent disgust and walked toward the bullpen.

Lee grabbed her arm and pushed her into an empty office down the hall just as the elevator indicated it had arrived. "Spill it, Francine."

"It's nothing you don't already know, Scarecrow. You knew she was coping with her kidnapping by Birol, if you want to call it 'coping.' But you left anyway."

"I don't understand. She was dealing with the whole Birol incident fine." He shook his head in disbelief.

She snorted. "Oh yeah, she was just fine. So fine that she wasn't sleeping, wasn't eating, she barely spoke two words to anyone. Yeah, she was fine!"

Lee stumbled into an office chair and took a deep breath. "Tell me everything you know. Please, Francine," he croaked.

The look of pity on her face was painful, but he knew he'd have to endure it in order to get the information that he was seeking.

"After you left, she started coming in late, looking frumpier than normal." At his disapproving look, she had the decency to look remorseful before continuing. "She started losing weight. I swear, I think she was even hung over one morning." She shook her head. "I couldn't prove it, but she definitely wasn't herself."

Lee shook his head in disbelief. The woman she was describing certainly wasn't his Amanda. But then again, as she had already indicated, she wasn't his Amanda anymore. Had she really started drinking? He quickly thought back to the days leading up to his departure. She had been drinking a glass of wine when he had found her in the gazebo. Had she already started using alcohol to dull the pain then? Had he missed other signs of her struggle? He was caught up in his own guilt over the kidnapping; he'd lost complete sight of what she was going through.

"God! What have I done?" He buried his face in his hands. He'd forgotten Francine was still in the room with him until he felt her hand on his. Instinctively he yanked his hand back as if he'd been burned. He did not deserve her pity. He was a rotten, selfish bastard. "Tell me the rest," he whispered.

"Well, I wasn't the only one that noticed something was going on with her. Billy pulled her into his office one day in late December after she'd had an episode during one of her final classes."

"What do you mean an 'episode'?" He couldn't help the look of worry on his face.

"The report stated that during the self-defense class Agent Miller had her in a strong hold and she flipped out." She shrugged.

"Flipped out?" He asked curiously. "What do y—"

"She went all badass on him. I guess he never saw it coming. Ended up in traction for a few days."

"I can't believe this."

She nodded. "Apparently, she had one of her flashbacks from her time with Birol. They had to pull her off him."

" **One** of her flashbacks? Just how many has she had, Francine?"

She shrugged. "Enough to be ordered to twice-a-week sessions with Dr. Quidd. He's been helping her. I mean, I've noticed a difference. She's still guarded, but she's more confident. I think Willie's helped."

"Willie!" He groaned. "What's with that guy anyway? He follows her around like a lost puppy. And how old is he anyway? Twelve?"

"Watch yourself. You almost sound like a jealous lover, Scarecrow. Willie was the one that pulled her off Miller that day. I guess he talked to Billy afterward and requested to partner with her."

"Why would he do that?" He asked knowingly. Good ol' Willie probably thought she'd be too emotionally fragile to fight off his advances.

"Willie is a former Marine, Lee. He's experienced post-traumatic stress disorder first hand and has been helping her get through it."

"I just bet he's been helping her." He couldn't help rolling his eyes.

"Lee, he's a good guy. He's been a good partner to Amanda."

" **I'm** her partner!" He slammed his fist on the desk.

"Yeah? Then where were you when she needed you most?"

"You don't understand, Francine. I was trying to protect her." He stood up with every intention of leaving but stopped before opening the door. "I only bring danger and pain into her life."

"Oh, get over yourself, Scarecrow. She's a grown woman! You aren't any more responsible for her being in danger than she is of you."

"Fran-cine, do you have any idea how many bad guys want my head on a platter?"

"Do you realize how many of those same bad guys were also taken down by 'Mrs. King'? She's got quite an impressive list of enemies herself, Scarecrow."

"But I need to protect her. I would die if anything happened to her." He looked at her pleadingly.

"She felt the same way about you, Lee. That's why you two made such a great team."

"You think we make a good team? I always thought you didn't approve of our partnership." He eyed her suspiciously.

"Yeah, well . . . it's grown on me. And if you tell anyone I said that, I'll tell them about what really happened with you and the Filippov twins." She jabbed him in the chest.

"Ouch! Yeah, okay. I got it." He laughed.

SMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMK

 _I didn't want us to burn out  
I didn't come here to hurt you now  
I can't stop_

After letting himself into the Q Bureau, Lee had made himself at home at **his** desk. It was only a matter of time before they returned, so he got down to work. Clicking the 'on' switch of the terminal in front of him, he waited for the familiar flashing green cursor to come to life. Once it did, he quickly typed in the name of his first, and most important check. "W-I-L-L-I-A-M R-O-B-E-R-T M-A-T-T-H-E-W-S" He spoke each letter as he typed before pressing the 'Enter' key. He waited, for what felt like an eternity, before the machine came back with the information he was looking for. Everything he ever wanted to know about good ol' Willie. He sent the report to the printer and waited for it to sputter out the all-important report.

Lee grew more and more frustrated as he read about the elite sniper that had entered the Marine Corps right after graduating from high school. He was a highly decorated soldier, son to an Ohio schoolteacher and firefighter, and he even saved his little brother from drowning when they were teenagers. "Is this guy for real?"

His earlier conversation with Francine came back to him in a flash. _'Apparently, she had one of her flashbacks from her time with Birol. They had to pull her off him.'_ He threw down the newly printed dossier on William Matthews and frantically typed in his partner's name. Bypassing the standard information that he knew first hand, he went directly to her medical file. Hesitating for only a moment, before entering his passcode to access the file.

One of the newest entries read simply: "Continuing mandatory twice-a-week sessions with Dr. Quidd. He clicked on the file folder, hoping for details. Feeling only slightly guilty for invading her privacy, he tapped his thumb on the desk as he watched the flashing "processing" across the terminal. Finally, the folder opened and he let out a groan when the words 'Private and Confidential' burned more brightly in the center of the screen.

"Damn!" He groused.

He backed out of the file and opened the next one dated 'December 22, 1986.' It read pretty much how Francine had described it. Agent Candidate Dewey's statement was a play-by-play of the event. Don Miller who was demonstrating to the class had Amanda in a chokehold. According to Dewey, almost immediately Amanda had closed her eyes and started gulping for air. Then seconds later, her eyes popped open, bit her lip and then she elbowed Miller in the ribs while simultaneously stomping on his foot. After that it was a blur of jabs and punches; in the end Miller was in a fetal position with Amanda having to be pulled off the stunned trainer.

Lee's mind whirled with the information before him. This didn't sound anything like his Amanda. She despised violence of any kind.

He returned his focus on the glowing screen and continued reading. "Agent Candidate King has been working with the Agency doctor on staff, Dr. Sydney Quidd. It is the recommendation of Dr. Sydney Quidd that they increase their appointments from one to two times a week. In addition, Agent Candidate King will be under the medical care of the Agency doctor, Dr. Roberta Mitchell for the balance of the week and therefore will be on medical leave pending release."

Lee stopped reading. "Why would Roberta put Amanda on medical leave and not Sydney? Was Amanda hurt in the struggle?" He read further for an update, but only saw one more entry several days later indicating her return from leave.

He picked up the phone and dialed the infirmary. After a ring, he spoke clearly and confidently into the phone. "This is Scarecrow, I need to speak to Dr. Mitchell right away." After a beat he added, "Yes, I'll hold." As he waited, he backed out of the files he was in and logged off the terminal. No sense in tipping his hat.

"Roberta, it's Lee. Yes, I just got back. No, no I'm fine. I actually wanted to talk to you about my partner, Amanda King. No, you've been misinformed. She **is** my partner. That was only temporary while I was on assignment. But I'm back now." He said with a bit more feeling than he had intended.

"Yes, I understand that her medical history is private, but I'm concerned about what happened back in December. Why did you put her on medical leave? Was she hurt? I mean, was she hurt in the incident with Miller?" He let out a frustrated sigh. "Yes, I know that it's confidential, Roberta, but she's my partner! Well, if I **could** ask her I would! Yeah . . . yeah. Thanks for nothing!" He slammed down the receiver a bit too hard and it fell off its cradle. Standing quickly to grab it before it hit the ground, he didn't see or hear Amanda and Matthews return.

"What are you doing in here?" Her voice was sharp.

He grappled with the winding cord and after a couple of tries returned it to its base. "Uh, I was . . . uh starting the background checks you assigned me." He lied.

"That isn't your desk." She opened the bottom drawer of her desk and dropped her purse inside before slamming it shut again.

"Oh, I beg to differ." Lee's confidence returned and he regarded her defiantly. "You don't mind sharing, do you _Willie_?" Lee plastered on his fakest smile as he looked at the younger man who was still standing in the doorway. Lee's words held more meaning than he cared to admit.

Amanda whirled around at the younger agent who had opened his mouth to respond. "Don't answer that!" She shouted before turning back and striding over to Lee.

He braced for yet another altercation. Knowing he really didn't want to fight with her anymore, he backed up against the credenza to move out of her way. He much preferred her softer side than being on the receiving end of her ire. She stood stock still in front of him boring her eyes into his soul. He gulped involuntarily. What was she doing?

"Amanda?" Willie called out, but she didn't flinch.

'He must feel the tension too,' Lee thought.

She didn't even blink; just continued to stare at him. Lee inadvertently glanced to the desk beside her and she quickly glanced in that direction. 'How did she do that?'

"Look, I'll just get out –" He stammered but she held up her hand to stop him from saying anything further.

It didn't take her long to spot the print out on Willie. Lee cringed when she picked it up and turned to look at him with a raised brow.

"Willie? Could you give us the room, please?" She continued to stare at Lee.

"Are you sure, Amanda?"

It was then that she turned to look at Willie with a smile and replied, "I'll be fine." With that he nodded and left the room, quietly shutting the door behind him.

"Amanda—"

She whipped around and poked him in the chest. "How dare you! Where do you get off checking up on Willie?"

"Amanda—"

"Don't 'Amanda' me, Stetson! You had **no** right looking for dirt on him! He is a good man. He doesn't run from — " She stopped herself. "You had no right," she added more calmly.

"It doesn't matter! He's a boy scout, okay?" He shouted frustratingly as he raked his hand through his hair.

"What do you want? Why did you come back?" She whispered the last question.

Lee ignored her questions and asked one of his own. "Why were you put on medical leave at the end of last year?"

Amanda's head jerked up to stare at him. She then gazed out the small window but not before he caught the haunting look in her eyes. Taking in a deep breath she looked him in the eyes. "How did you—"

He nodded toward the terminal guiltily before reaching to grasp her hand, but she quickly pulled it away causing him to stumble back on the credenza landing haphazardly on a stack of files numbly.

Before he could right himself, she was out the door, leaving him to stare at her retreating form.


	6. Chapter 6

_I want you to know  
That it doesn't matter  
Where we take this road  
Someone's gotta go_

Lee took a few minutes to regain his composure before making his way down to the bullpen. He needed to clear things up with Amanda once and for all. This time she was going to listen to what he had to say.

Francine was coming from the other end of the hall and they both approached the double doors to the bullpen at the same time. She nodded to the armed guards on either side as they held the doors open for them. "Scarecrow, aren't you a little late for your meeting?"

"What meeting would that be, Francine?" He held out a cup of coffee to her but she waved him off and shook her head.

"Oh, looks like Amanda didn't give you the memo. Guess she's still a little upset with you." She replied sarcastically.

"Again, **what** meeting?" Lee glanced to the empty conference room across the room and then to Billy's office. He didn't give Francine time to answer before shoving the coffee cup into her hand and then strode purposefully over to their supervisor's office and knocked, not waiting for a reply before entering.

"Scarecrow, so nice of you to join us," came the rich baritone voice of his boss.

"Sorry I'm late. I would have been here sooner if I had known about the meeting," Lee replied, his focus never leaving Amanda.

Billy glanced to Amanda with a raised brow.

"I left a note on your desk. Perhaps if you'd been doing the background checks like you'd been assigned, instead of hanging out in the Q running background checks on Agency personnel, you would have seen it," she retorted.

Billy stood up and smiled politely to Willie. "Agent Matthews, could you please excuse us for a moment?" He nodded toward the door.

"Of course, Sir." He stood and pulled at first one of the cuffs of his sleeves and then the other before leaving the room.

Amanda sat up straighter and squirmed ever so slightly in her chair.

"Alright you two, what the Sam Hill is going on?" His knuckles were braced against the desk, bearing the brunt of his weight.

With a raised brow, Lee eyed Amanda expectantly. When she stared blankly ahead and didn't utter a word, he crossed his arms defiantly across his chest and stared at Billy.

When neither one of them made an attempt to answer him, Billy cleared his throat and walked around his desk and perched himself on the corner.

"Fine! I'm ordering you two to work this out." He held up his hand to stop any argument. "You two will leave here and go somewhere private where you can work through . . . " He paused to look Amanda in the eye and then continued, " **everything** that's happened over the last several months. And don't return until you do!"

Neither of them moved.

"I said go!" the older man boomed and they both startled.

Lee moved to the door first and held it open for her before following her out.

Billy's door slammed behind them.

"Amanda?" Willie's voice came from behind them.

"Willie, Mr. Melrose has asked—or rather ordered Mr. Stetson and I to . . . uh . . . talk."

"Do you want me to come with you?"

Lee watched as she placed her hand soothingly on his arm that held her elbow. "No, that's not necessary. I'll be fine. See you in the morning. "

"If you're sure."

She nodded and glanced back at Lee who had been a silent observer. "Let's get this over with, Scarecrow," Amanda threw over her shoulder before walking quickly toward the exit.

Lee sped up to catch her just as she made the turn out the double glass doors of the bullpen. He instinctively placed his right hand at the small of her back and she immediately moved away from his touch. He groaned inwardly at their newly found awkwardness.

SMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMK

Lee sighed in relief when Amanda allowed him to join her on the elevator back up to the main floor this time. 'A small victory,' he thought. He took the opportunity to watch her in the small space, to see the small differences. Her hair had grown longer since he had left and she didn't seem to smile as often as she once had. He knew he was the reason for her sadness. It killed him to know that he had dampened her spirit. The only time he saw the fire in her eyes was when she was yelling at him.

"I'll meet you at the coffeehouse down the street." Her voice was flat as it cut through the ensuing silence.

"Uh, it's a bit crowded there. Why don't we go over to my place?"

She was shaking her head in disagreement before he even finished his sentence. "No," was her only reply as she continued to stare at the metal doors in front of her.

"Amanda, Billy told us to go somewhere private to talk. We can hardly find privacy in a busy coffee shop."

"I'm not comfortable –"

"Then let's go to your place." He rushed.

"That won't work either. My family is there," she frowned.

Lee shrugged. He knew if they were going to work this out and find a way to work together again, they needed to talk openly without fear of being overheard. The elevator door opened into the Agency's foyer. He opened the closet door to allow Amanda to precede him. They both silently removed their badges and handed them politely to Mrs. Marston before exiting out the front door. Lee realized for the first time ever, Amanda hadn't even attempted to smile at the matronly woman who kept guard of the Agency.

They moved swiftly toward the parking lot where both their cars were parked. "So, where do you suggest we go?"

She turned back and looked at him briefly before replying, "I guess your apartment, but separately." Without giving him a chance to protest, she got in and started up her car.

He nodded and waited until she put the Wagoneer in drive and drove toward his place before settling into his Corvette and following her.

SMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMK

She was already leaning against the wall just outside his apartment door when he arrived. He smiled to himself at the happiness it brought him to have her here again. He opened the door and waited for her to go in before following behind.

"Can I get you something to drink? A glass of wine?" He asked as he threw his keys on the entry table and moved into the kitchen.

"Water." She rushed before adding, "Please."

"Okay. Make yourself at home." He added ice cubes into both glasses and then added water to one and his best scotch to the other. If he was going to make it through this, he needed to relax a bit. When he returned to the living room, he found her staring out the window.

"Uh, Amanda . . . " He called out just before holding out the glass of water to her.

"Oh!" She startled.

"Sorry. Here's your water." He walked over to the couch and waited for her to join him before seating himself.

The two of them sat looking at anything but each other. Finally after a few awkward minutes, they both spoke at the same time.

"Amanda –"

"Lee—"

They both smiled politely.

"Sorry, go ahead."

"No, please." Her voice cracked and she took a sip of water.

"I was just going to thank you for agreeing to talk with me –"

"Well, Mr. Melrose didn't give us much choice in the matter, now did he?"

"Don't be too mad at Billy. He just wants us to clear the air. So do I for that matter." When she didn't respond he continued. "Amanda, I want to apologize for leaving you the way I did. I really did do it to protect you. I know you don't believe that, but I did. " He sighed deeply. "I missed you every single second of every single day." When he finished, he tentatively placed his hand gently over hers, but she pulled her hand away and quickly stood to begin pacing.

"No! You don't get to say those things!" Her head shook back and forth as she continued her assault on his carpet.

"Amanda –"

"You left me when I needed you most, Lee!" She screamed.

"I know—"

"No you don't. You have no idea."

The heart-wrenching look she gave him was almost too much for him to bear. He went to her but she turned out of his embrace. "Please, don't touch me. I can't think straight when you touch me." She pleaded.

"Okay, I promise not to touch you, but can you please come sit back down so we can talk?" He wasn't certain she even heard him, but then she silently returned to the couch and sat down as far away from him as possible. He exhaled the breath he was holding and shook off the disappointment. He was in this for the long haul, so he tried again. Knowing she would clam back up if he pushed too hard, too fast, he started with something easier. "Why did you stay at the Agency after I left?"

She looked up from her glass of water and regarded him for a moment before speaking, obviously not expecting the question. "Why wouldn't I stay? I may have come into the Agency in an unorthodox way, but I've certainly proven my abilities over the past four years. I **can** exist there without you."

"I know that, Amanda. But I just wanted you to be safe. You aren't safe working for the Agency."

"Anything can happen anytime, anywhere. I could be killed in a car accident on my way home. I refuse to live in fear, Lee." She slapped her hand on her leg for emphasis. "I'm making a difference in my boys' lives . . . and mine."

'She called me Lee,' he smiled inwardly. The cold use of his codename cut him to the quick. She never used to call him Scarecrow. He sat pondering the minor breakthrough for a moment and without thought, asked what he really wanted to know. "What happened in December?"

"What?" Her voice squeaked in surprise. Her eyes were wide in shock.

His concern grew exponentially at the look of sheer panic on her face. "Tell me what happened, Amanda. Why did you end up in the infirmary?"

Immediately, her fingers played with the heart pendant around her neck. "I don't think it matters anymore."

"You're wrong. It does matter. It matters to me. You may think I left because I didn't care, but I can assure you that couldn't be further from the truth."

"All that doesn't matter anymore." She wiped at her eyes.

He sat up with his elbows on his knees rubbing his temples. How could he get her to understand it all mattered to him and how badly he needed her to finally open up to him? He scooted closer to her, careful not to invade her personal space. Could he handle it if she pulled away from him? Not likely. "I promise you, it does. More than I can say. Please?"

For the first time since he had returned, she looked deep into his eyes. He didn't dare look away. He did everything he could to convey to her his need to know.

She took in a deep breath and turned her head toward the ceiling. He was certain she was contemplating if she should open up to him . . . if she could trust him again. He sat stock still, holding his breath, not wanting to distract her from her decision.

"Before you left . . ." She started but trailed off.

He watched as she struggled to go on. He ached to reach out to grasp her hand, but didn't dare.

"Before you left I was having trouble with all that had happened with . . . Birol. I was struggling to sleep at night." She looked over to him. "Nightmares." She shrugged. "I . . . started having a glass of wine before going to bed to help me relax. The flashbacks were pretty frequent."

"Why didn't you tell me? I would have –"

"You had your own demons you were battling," she interrupted. "I couldn't add to the guilt you were already fighting through."

"If I had known –"

"I didn't want you to stay out of guilt, Lee."

"I left **because** of the guilt. It was my fault Birol got to you!" He couldn't keep the self-hatred from coming out. "With me out of your life . . ." he trailed off.

"With you out of my life . . . " she shook her head. "It turned so dark, so fast . . ." she whispered to herself, but he heard every word.

"What happened, Amanda?"

She pierced her lips together and then breathed in deeply before speaking, "Like I said, I wasn't sleeping, the flashbacks were happening more and more frequently. It got worse . . ."

He knew she was trying to protect him. "It got worse when I left, didn't it?"

She simply nodded. "With everything that had happened . . . I was meeting with Dr. Quidd once a week, but I wasn't really dealing with anything, just going through the motions. Finally, I imploded. In late December I was in one of my final classes and Agent Miller was demonstrating a choke hold on me and I . . . um, I guess I had a . . ."

"You had a flashback." He answered knowingly.

"Yes. I don't remember much right before or after. I finally snapped out of it when Willie pulled me off Agent Miller. Of course, I apologized to him, but he avoids me now." She shrugged.

"He probably feels bad for hurting you." Lee still couldn't believe the man would lay a finger on her. No matter what, you just don't hit a woman.

"He didn't hurt me. Actually, from what I was told, he just curled into a ball and took everything I gave him. Which made me feel even worse." She shook her head to shake the memory.

"Well, then how did you end up in the infirmary?"

The look of complete and utter torment flashed across her face. A long stretch of silence followed. "Lee, I need to tell you –" The loud shrill of the phone stopped her mid-sentence.

"Let it ring. Please continue."

Before she could continue, his voice came on the machine, followed by a high- pitched beep. "Mr. Stetson, this is Willie Matthews. I'm trying to locate, Aman-"

Lee reached back to grab the phone quickly in frustration. "What do you need, Matthews?"

"Yes, she's here." He replied tersely before handing the phone to Amanda.

She cleared her throat and wiped her eyes before answering, "Hi, Willie. No, I'm fine. What's the emergency?" She paused a moment and then continued, "I left the stack on the right corner of your desk." She curled the phone cord around her finger while she waited for his response. "What do you mean they're not there? I know I left them there before we went down for our meeting with Mr. Melrose. No, we really need to get them started today. I'll be back in a few minutes. It's okay. I'll see you in a few. Bye."

"A-man-da! Billy told us to this out." Lee rushed before she had even returned the handset to its base.

"We have to get these background checks started on the vendors, Lee. I'll go get Willie set and then I'll come back so we can wrap up. Okay?"

He hesitated for a moment. "You promise you'll come back?" He eyed her suspiciously.

"Yes. I promise."

She took one last sip of her water and handed him the empty glass, before striding over toward the door. Throwing her coat over her arm, she grabbed her purse and reached for the doorknob and stopped when he started to follow her out the door. She raised a brow. "Where are you going?"

"I was going to go with you."

She shook her head. "I'll be right back."

When he continued to follow her to the elevator she pressed her hand to his chest to stop him from entering

"I was going to walk you to your car. Geez."

"Thank you, but that's not necessary. Stay here."

At the resolute look on her face he gave in and replied, "Okay, drive safe."

She simply nodded.

When he returned to his apartment, he went to the kitchen to see if there was anything there he could make the two of them for dinner. Not surprisingly, he found a completely empty fridge, sans of the six-pack of beer and condiments that seemed to always be there. "Carry out it is!" He called out to the empty room before reaching for the stack of menus wedged in the corner on the counter.


	7. Chapter 7

_And I want you to know  
You couldn't have loved me better  
But I want you to move on  
So I'm already gone_

After the first hour his patience had grown thin, now after nearly two hours since she had rushed out, it was completely gone. 'Where are you, Amanda? Were you just playing me?' He shook his head at the thought. No, she promised she would come back.

Just then there was a light knock at his door. He sighed in relief as he rushed to open it.

"I thought maybe you had changed your mind and had gone home," he called out as he opened the door.

"Matthews? What are you doing here? Where's Amanda?" Lee looked around the other man and out into the empty hallway.

"She's not here?" The younger agent was clearly surprised.

"No, she left here right after you called to head back to the office." He glanced at his watch. "That was nearly two hours ago."

"She never made it. I got concerned that maybe you . . . well, I was worried something had kept her. I mean, that she might need help." He stammered.

"You thought I would hurt Amanda?" Lee couldn't help the hurt in his voice.

"No, I just meant that . . . look it doesn't matter anyway. We need to find her."

"Yeah. Let's go talk to my doorman and see if he saw her leave."

The younger man nodded and followed behind.

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"So, this Charlie person saw her come out of the elevator?" Billy Melrose asked from behind his desk as he watched both Willie and Lee pace in front of him like two caged animals. He wondered if they knew how very much alike they really were.

"Yeah," Lee nodded. "They exchanged their usual pleasantries and he went about his work." At Billy's raised brow he continued. "You know Amanda, Billy. She talks to everyone, including my doorman."

"That's it? No one else saw anything?" The older man asked incredulously.

"We checked with the nearby businesses to see if they picked up anything on their security cameras. The few tapes we did get are being analyzed downstairs." Willie added helpfully.

"Great! Just great! While we're sifting through footage of would-be shoplifters, whomever took Amanda is long gone by now and doing God knows what to her!" Lee ran his hand roughly through his hair before shoving it into his pocket.

"We don't even have proof she's been taken, Scarecr-"

"Oh, come on, Billy. She left my place to come back here and she never made it. Besides, she was coming right back so we could finish our conversation." He ran his hand roughly through his hair. "She promised." He whispered the last bit and shrugged his shoulders when Billy glanced up at him with a knowing look.

There was a light tap at the door and then Francine rushed in. "We were able to pull some images from the bank security cameras across the street from Scarecrow's apartment," she announced.

"Great! What have we got?" Lee grabbed the grainy black and white photos that Francine was holding out.

"It appears that Amanda was leaving your place at 16:37, Scarecrow. She was stopped seconds later by someone in a dark limousine." The blonde quickly glanced away from him and stood straighter.

Lee took a deep breath, preparing himself for whatever it was that Francine was holding back. "And?" He hesitantly asked, not sure he wanted to hear the rest.

"Well, she clearly got into the limo and it drove off heading north. They're blowing up the photos now to see if they can get anything off the plate. It was too blurry to tell with the naked eye."

"Just perfect! While someone's got her, doing God knows what, we're waiting for the guys downstairs to finish playing around with a damn photo!" Lee slammed his fist against Billy's desk causing the others to jump.

Off Billy's look, Francine realized he wanted to be alone with Lee. "Look, why don't you go call Mrs. West, Agent Matthews? See if maybe Amanda showed up there." The younger man nodded and headed out to the bullpen to make the call as instructed without a word. "I'll go see if I can hurry them along on that plate number." She shut the door behind her.

"Scarecrow—"

"Billy, I need to be looking for her!" Lee rushed as he continued to pace.

"Sit down, Lee!" Billy's voice left no room for argument and the younger man flopped down into the empty chair across from his supervisor. "What are you doing, Man?" He stood from behind his desk and walked around to sit next to Lee.

"My partner is miss—"

"You mean your FORMER partner, don't you?" He nudged with a raised brow. "You left her behind, Son."

"Come on, Billy! You know what she means to me and after our talk earlier . . . well, I think she and I cleared the air. I mean, it wasn't easy to hear, but –"

"I'm glad she told you." He let out a rush of air in relief. "I really am sorry for your loss, Lee." He squeezed Lee's shoulder in a supportive manner.

"Wait. Told me what?" His brows furrowed in confusion. "What loss?"

"Uh –"

"Bil-ly! What are you talking about?" Lee stood, hovering over the other man.

"I really think this is something for you and Amanda to discuss. Privately." He stood and wiped his brow and returned to the safety his desk provided.

"Does this have to do with why she was on medical leave last December?" Lee leaned across the desk between them. When the older man didn't respond, Lee prodded further. "Billy, I think I have a **right** to know." Returning to his pacing he thought aloud. "It obviously concerns me! You said you were sorry for **my** loss . . ." He stopped abruptly. "Oh, God!" He groaned. "She was pregnant . . . with my baby and she . . . lost it," he whispered as he grabbed the back of the chair in front of him to steady himself.

"I'm sorry, Lee. I just assumed you knew when you said the two of you had cleared the air."

"How? She said Miller didn't touch her. I don't understand –"

"He didn't. Sometimes these things just happen, Lee."

"This is all my fault! I should have never left her."

"Listen, Son. You left to protect her. That threat from Karbala was real. You and I both know it."

"But I should have been here for her, Billy!" His hand rubbed his temple before tugging at his hair restlessly. "What if the stress of me leaving her was just too much for . . . the baby to handle?" His voice cracked and he held back a sob.

"Lee –"

"No, don't, Billy. I should have told her why I was leaving. I should have figured out another way to deal with Birol's team that didn't involve me shutting her out. I should—"

"You can't change the past, Lee!" Billy's booming voice finally stopped the younger man's ramblings and Lee stood there staring out the window into the bullpen.

"I –" He was cut off by the knock on the door and turned to the young woman that stuck her head in the office.

"Excuse me, Mr. Melrose, but there's a call for Mr. Stetson. Detective Manny Trudeau is on Line 3."

"Thanks, Pam." Billy smiled politely as she popped back out as quickly as she had come in.

Lee stepped over to the corner of the desk and lifted the handset to his ear. "Stetson."


	8. Chapter 8

_Looking at you makes it harder  
But I know that you'll find another  
That doesn't always make you wanna cry_

"Welcome to my home, Amanda. Make yourself at home." The older man's accent made it difficult to understand him in the large, echoing entry.

Normally, she'd take in the beautiful architecture and extravagant furnishings when coming into a home like this, but she was not visiting a friend's home, she was kidnapped and being held against her will. Instead, she took in the potential escape routes and counted the armed guards that milled around. Her eyes shifted to the large bald man that had held the gun on her inside the limousine earlier as he now hovered over her before she addressed the man in charge, "Ambassador

Monsanto –"

"Arturo, please. I want you to feel comfortable with me." He handed off his coat and gloves to the shorter, stern looking man who had greeted them at the door.

"Ambassador Monsanto, why am I here?" She glared at the apparent butler as he attempted to remove her coat. When he tried again, she pulled her lapels tighter to her.

Noticing the silent struggle between the two, Monsanto dismissed his help with the flick of his wrist, but indicated to the other man who seemed to be his bodyguard, to stay near the front entrance.

"Why, I wanted to have you with me so—"

"So, you kidnapped me? I'm a federal agent." She shook her head in disbelief. "It's a federal offense, Ambassador—"

"I have diplomatic immunity, My Dear." He smiled smugly and proceeded her into what appeared to be his study.

Amanda sighed in frustration, but relented when he offered her a seat in one of the chairs near the large fireplace. She tapped her thumb against the armrest of the upholstered wingback. "What is it you want?"

Lee had always told her to size up your opponent. Determine what their end game was. How they expected to make it happen and most importantly, how to exploit their weakness. _"Everyone has a weakness, Amanda."_ She mentally shook the rest of that particular conversation from her thoughts. This was not the time, nor the place to recall how he had continued to "exploit" _her_ weakness with his tongue and fingers.

The Ambassador's deep rumble of a laugh interrupted her thoughts and she glared at him. "What is so funny?"

"Oh, My Dear! You make me so happy! You are not only beautiful, but also so complex."

She was barely registering what he was saying as she scanned the room for a potential escape.

"I knew when I saw your photo two years ago that you were the one."

"What did you just say?" She whipped her head around and gawked at him.

"I said you are so complex. That is how you say it, no?"

"No, you said you saw my photo two years ago!" She jumped out of her chair and went to stand in front of the large window.

"Yes, when Sinclair showed me your photo . . . I just knew I had to have you," he gushed proudly.

Not really listening to the man, her inner monologue drowned him out. 'Oh my gosh! He was the buyer!' Her head was spinning. How can this be happening again? She rubbed her temples in an attempt to alleviate the sudden pain she was experiencing. "That feeling I had that someone watching me . . . that was you," she mumbled to herself.

"Mi Amor? Are you okay?" He wrapped his arm around her shoulder.

"Don't touch me!" She screamed as she moved out of his reach behind the large desk.

"Have no fear, Mi Amor," he cooed. "I would never hurt you."

Amanda snorted. "No? You don't think forcing me into your car at gunpoint and taking me away from my children isn't hurting me?" Amanda turned the large leather office chair between them in an attempt to keep him at bay.

"Once we're together you'll see how perfect your life can really be." He smiled sickeningly at her as he advanced toward her. "You'll want for nothing."

' _Yeah, except to get away from you every minute of every day,'_ she muttered to herself. Amanda slowly backed away in fear of what he would do if he caught her. She was certain she could take him; it was the big, muscly guy in the entry with the .22 caliber pistol stashed snuggly in the leather shoulder holster she was worried about. She cringed when she felt the unforgiving hardness of the bookshelves against her back. "Ambass—"

His hands were resting on her shoulders and his mouth was on hers before she could blink. Instinct took over and she flew her arms up successfully knocking his hands off of her and then simultaneously brought her right palm up to meet his nose and slamming her heel down onto his foot.

Never had she heard such a raw and unbridled scream come from a man. She instantly regretted her actions when the muscly man from earlier barreled into the room with his gun drawn. For a brief moment, she was certain this would be the end. Monsanto stood in front of her with his arms wailing in an attempt to deflect any bullets that might make their way toward her. "No! No! Do not shoot!" He yelled.

What a sight it was, blood pouring out of the older, stout man's nose, all while hopping around on one foot. If the situation wasn't so dire, Amanda may have laughed at the idiocy of it all.

"No, Carlos! All is well. We're just getting to know each other. Aren't we, Mi Amor?" His last few words muffled by the handkerchief that was pressed against his likely broken nose. "Please ask Diego to show Mrs. King to her quarters."

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"Okay, Rollo. You got me down here. Now, what have you got?" Lee fell into the old splintered chair and stared menacingly at the slime ball across the table from him.

"I ain't sayin' a word 'til Detective Trudeau gives me somethin' in writing that he ain't gonna press charges on my little mishap. Now, I got what you're lookin' for with that lady friend of yours, but I need some guarantee first." He turned and smiled smugly at Willie, who was leaning against the wall behind him in the precinct's interview room. Before Rollo had a chance to turn back around, Lee had Rollo's shirt collar pulled tightly against his throat causing him to gasp for air.

"Look, Pal! That 'lady' happens to be very important to me. If anything happens to her because you were jerking us around for some penny-ante purse snatching . . . so help me God!" Lee snarled as he pulled the much smaller man closer so he would be sure to hear him. "Now, I suggest you start talking!" Lee threw him back into the chair he was once occupying.

Rollo coughed and sucked in much-needed air before straightening his shirt in a clear attempt to settle his nerves before speaking. He gave Willie a pleading glance but didn't get so much as a nod. "Well . . ." he stopped, his voice was a good two octaves above his normal speaking voice and he cleared his throat before pressing on. "Well, I heard through the grapevine that someone was looking to acquire your lady friend again."

"Wait a minute, what do you mean acquire her?" Willie didn't like the feeling he got at hearing those words about his partner.

"I think your friend here knows what I mean." Rollo gave a weak smile to Lee.

Lee's eyes never left the two-bit thug's as he rushed, "We closed down that ring. Sinclair is in prison. Who started it back up again?"

Rollo was shaking his head before Lee even finished his last question. "No, Man. No ring. He ain't looking for women. He's looking for your lady friend. He's been recruiting some muscle to nab her again. He's not messin' around this time."

"This time?" Willie pushed himself away from the wall and sat down next to Rollo. "What do you mean 'this time'?" When the thug didn't answer right away, the rookie agent stared dumbfounded at Lee hoping he'd fill him in. "What's he talking about?"

Lee ignore Willie and continued, "You mean the same buyer that tried to take Amanda two years ago is making another run for her?" Lee growled. The idea turned his stomach.

"Buyer? Why would someone want to buy—"

Lee held up his hand to stop Willie from distracting Rollo. "Rollo, who's the buyer? How do we find him? Why after two years come after her again? It doesn't make any sense."

"All I know is that he saw her recently. He said something about it being fate that she would walk into his own backyard or something like that."

Lee and Willie stared at each other in confusion.

"Did he have a name, Rollo?" Willie spoke more politely than the senior agent had been asking the purse-snatcher in hopes of playing the good cop.

"I don't know. I ain't good with names, 'ya know?" He rubbed his temples trying to think.

"It's important, Rollo. We'd really appreciate it," Willie cajoled.

Lee stood from his chair abruptly, knocking it backward with a loud crash. "A name, Rollo! Now! Or so help me . . ."

"Uh, wait a minute! Wait a minute. Uh, yeah it was something like . . . uh Mr. Santa. Yeah, Mr. Santa! That's what my buddy called him," he yelled triumphantly.

"Mr. Santa? If you're messing with us, I will personally see to it that you eat from an I.V. the rest of your natural life." Lee threatened as he hovered over the small man.

"I'm not jerking you around! I swear, Mister! It sounds like Mr. Santa! He's Puerto Rican or Spanish or whatever."

The two agents moved toward the door. "Ring any bells? You two been working on anything where she would have been in this 'Mr. Santa's' sight?"

Agent Matthews bit his lip as he thought back to their recent assignments. "All we've been working on is the celebration at the Mexican Embassy," he thought aloud and then shrugged his shoulders.

They both turned toward Rollo and simultaneously said, "Spanish or whatever."

"Let's go call Francine and have her pull up the embassy's roster and see if we have any hits," Lee called out as he threw open the door.

"Right behind you, Scarecrow!" Willie followed after him.

"Does this mean I'm free to go?" Rollo called out after them as he tugged on the handcuff wrapped around his right wrist that was attached to the metal table. "Guys?"


	9. Chapter 9

_Started with a perfect kiss  
Then we could feel the poison set in  
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive_

Amanda flicked the light off in the bathroom and returned to the spacious, extravagantly decorated bedroom with a sigh. Frustrated there wasn't a working window in either rooms. "Who seals a bathroom window shut?" She grumbled to herself. It didn't matter anyway; it was on the second floor. She'd never make it down, but if push came to shove . . .

She'd already tried opening the suite's door, only to find Diego standing guard just outside. He immediately turned around while reaching for his gun, and she quickly shut the door. 'Okay, so there's only one way out; past the big guy in the hallway.' Discouraged, she plopped down into the chair next to the oversized canopy bed.

Taking a quick inventory of the situation, she ticked off what she knew. Monsanto was the original buyer from that whole fiasco with Sinclair. He obviously realized who she was when she and Willie were setting up security for the anniversary party at the Mexican embassy, and finally, she knew no one besides her knew either of the first two facts.

How long before Lee or Willie realized she was missing? She scoffed at the idea. "It's not like their egos would allow them to work together and compare notes." She shook her head at the thought of them teaming up to save her. "Looks like it's all up to you, Amanda," she tried to sound more confident than she felt.

After the past several months, she was definitely more prepared to handle this on her own. She had been through a lot, but at least she knew now that she could do it. She leaned back into the plush chair and thought back to those first few weeks after Lee had left her.

Her heart still ached at the thought of their last conversation in her family room. He said he was leaving for her. But how could that be? She didn't want him to leave. She needed him there with her. If he had stayed . . . He was running away, plain and simple. Then he waltzed back into their, no her and Willie's office, thinking they were going to just pick up where they left off. Damn him and his handsome face. Even if she wanted to, how could she? So much had happened. He had no idea. She was about to tell him at his apartment, but as usual the fates fought against them. Now, she didn't know if she would get the chance.

" _Amanda, can you hear me?" a distant voice called._

 _Her head felt like lead as she attempted to lift it._

" _Don't try and move, Amanda. Can you open your eyes?" came the same soft voice as before._

 _Her eyes fluttered open and the bright overhead light forced her to close them abruptly._

" _Nurse, turn off the light."_

 _Amanda felt the warmth of the light begin to fade and attempted to open her eyes again. She was met with the smiling eyes of Dr. Roberta Mitchell and slowly sat up._

" _That's it. Take it easy. Glad to have you back with us, Mrs. King." Dr. Mitchell held Amanda's wrist and stared at her watch as she continued to speak. "How are you feeling?"_

" _What happened?" She was obviously in the Agency's infirmary but what she couldn't figure out was why or how she had gotten there._

" _Well, I was hoping you could tell me. From the reports I received, you seem to have had a flashback of some sort during your hand-to-hand combat class. As they pulled you off Agent Miller you grabbed your abdomen and passed out shortly thereafter."_

 _Amanda felt like she was listening to a story about some stranger. Surely she would remember all of that._

" _I gather you don't remember any of it?" The older woman queried._

 _Amanda sat wide-eyed, slowly shaking her head._

" _Well let's just give you a quick check to make sure_ _you're_ _physically fit and then we'll call down Dr. Quidd. Sound good?" Dr. Mitchell patted Amanda's hand when she nodded in agreement, and helped her lay back on the bed. She pulled up Amanda's t-shirt. "I'm just going to press against your abdomen, so try and relax." She was awarded a loud yelp from her patient as she did so. "Interesting." She continued to press and tap, making quiet sounds to herself._

" _Is everything all right, Dr. Mitchell?" Amanda was getting a bit worried at the look on the other woman's face._

" _Amanda, have you been having any stomach pains before today? Cramping? Any dizziness, weakness, or nausea?"_

" _Um, I have been feeling a little off over the past week or so. Cramping and nausea." She didn't like the look she was receiving from the doctor. "Why?" her voice squeaked out._

" _I'd like to run some tests to determine what we're dealing with. But I don't like how tender your abdomen is."_

" _But you have an idea, don't you?" It was more of a statement than a question._

" _Amanda, is it possible that you could be pregnant?"_

 _After the initial shock, she squeezed her eyes shut and swallowed before nodding._

" _I see. Let's run a pregnancy test to start." The older woman smiled gently in reassurance. "Then we'll see what we're dealing with, okay?"_

 _After providing a urine sample, Amanda had been escorted back to the exam room by a young nurse. She sat at the edge of the bed, her bare feet swinging back and forth nervously._

 _Dr. Mitchell knocked before poking her head into the room. "I'm going to order an ultrasound right away." At Amanda's worried look she continued, "I'm concerned about an ectopic pregnancy, but we'll know for sure momentarily."_

 _Amanda bit her bottom lip and looked toward the ceiling. 'How is this happening?'_

 _After several very uncomfortable moments, Dr. Mitchell completed the ultrasound and instructed Amanda to remove her feet from the stirrups and sit up._

" _The bad news is it's not a viable pregnancy, Amanda."_

 _Amanda gulped in air. A small moan escaped before she could rein in her feelings and blink back the tears._

" _I'm sorry, Amanda. Sometimes this happens. There's nothing you could have done to prevent it."_

 _Amanda looked at her skeptically, certain that she was to blame. Suddenly, she remembered the wine she had used to fall asleep after her kidnapping. How could she be so selfish?_

" _Amanda King, look at me," came the stern voice of the doctor._

 _Amanda looked into the eyes of the woman before her._

" _You could_ _not_ _have prevented this!" she said firmly hoping to get through to the younger woman. Sometimes the egg is fertilized outside of the uterus." She waited for Amanda to acknowledge her words before continuing. "The good news is that your fallopian tube wasn't ruptured, so you don't require surgery. But because the fertilized egg can't survive outside of the uterus, the tissue has to be removed to keep you from having serious complications. Since your pregnancy hasn't progressed very far, I'm going to give you an injection of methotrexate. It stops the cells from growing, and your body will simply absorb them. Do you have any questions?"_

 _Amanda merely shook her head no._

" _Okay, let me go get the injection ready and then we'll get you settled into the infirmary. I want to keep an eye on you for a day or two."_

" _Can't I just go home? I really don't want the whole Agency knowing . . ." she trailed off, hoping the other woman would understand her need for privacy._

" _I can assure you your visit here will be kept completely confidential, Amanda. I want to make sure you don't have any complications as your body sorts this all out." She reached out and squeezed Amanda's shoulder. "I also want you to speak with Dr. Quidd." She held up her hand to stop Amanda's protest. "I'm afraid it's mandatory in cases like this. Not to mention your little outburst in class was enough to alert the hounds as it were."_

" _I understand," she whispered as the doctor left the room. Did she though? Her head was spinning. First she erupted in class, attacking her teacher, ending up in the infirmary where she's told she's pregnant with her former partner's baby, only to find out that she won't be able to continue with the pregnancy. On top of all that, she was going to have to hash it all out with the Agency's psychiatrist. Worst of all, she had to deal with all of it alone. "Oh, Lee. I need you!" she called out sadly to the empty room as she finally allowed the tears to flow._

Amanda wiped a lone tear away at the memory. She had spent many long hours on the couch in Dr. Quidd's office working through her feelings about the loss of her . . . _their_ baby. What might have been? She would be about 4 months pregnant right now if . . . she mentally shook the thought from her head. What ifs weren't going to get her out of this room or out of Monsanto's grasp. She stood from the chair, squared her shoulders, and went into the bathroom in search of a makeshift weapon. She was determined to get out of there if it was the last thing she did.


	10. Chapter 10

_You know that I love you so  
I love you enough to let you go_

As Lee tore through the streets of Georgetown, Willie read aloud the profile on Monsanto that Francine had thrown together. They hadn't wasted any time calling Billy once they left the Metro police department. Billy had quickly scrambled a team together, each collecting profiles on key players as well as a personnel roster of the entire embassy. After only a few minutes, Billy had called the two agents back and had Francine recite the entire list of staff members. It wasn't until halfway through when Willie had stopped her and had her repeat one particular name.

" _Wait! Francine, could you go back three names?"_

" _Montoro, Montez, Monsanto, Mondell—"_

" _Stop!" Willie interrupted. "Monsanto! That's it."_

" _What? He clearly told us it was Santa, Matthews." Lee argued as he took the last turn into the Agency parking structure._

" _Francine, can you double check that there isn't a 'Santa' listed on the roster?" Willie inquired in an irritated tone._

 _After a few moments of rustling paper and Francine mumbling names quietly to herself, she returned to the phone "No, no Santa."_

" _Thanks, Francine. We just pulled in. We'll be there in a minute." Lee ended the call._

" _I'm telling you, it's him," Willie insisted. "When Amanda and I first met with the embassy's security team, this Monsanto guy was walking by and insisted on meeting us even though his attaché told him he was going to be late for his meeting."_

 _Lee pulled the 'vette into its parking spot and turned off the engine before turning to Willie expectantly. "Yeah, so?"_

" _So, he was_ _ **very**_ _taken with Amanda. At the time we both just shook it off, but now thinking about it, he was overly friendly . . ." He trailed off. "It's him!"_

" _Well, it's the best lead we've got. Let's go see what Francine and Billy have got for us." Lee called out across the roof of the car when he pulled himself from the vehicle and they made their way into the building._

Shortly thereafter . . .

After spending a few minutes filling Billy in on what they'd learned from Rollo and waiting on Francine to print out the report on the ambassador, they were back on the road toward the Mexican Embassy. Only to hit a wall once they were there and had interviewed Monsanto's staff. No one was willing to talk. The only lead they'd garnered was the fact that he owned a private residence just outside of Georgetown.

"You know what I don't get? How does a guy like Monsanto have such a loyal staff?

"They were pretty tight-lipped, weren't they?" Lee's eyes squinted as he inhaled. "I wouldn't be surprised if several of them are well aware of his penchant for beautiful women, if not involved in it themselves. Once we find Amanda and get her home, we'll have to investigate his entire team. I want **every** single person involved in this to pay!" His teeth were clenched so tightly, he felt one crack; only then did he release the tension in his jaw. "We got lucky that that new secretary didn't know enough not to tell us about his private estate. Francine hadn't even pulled up that fact."

"Nice work pulling that information out of the secretary," Willie complimented.

"Yeah, well, whatever I gotta do." He turned to gaze out the driver's side window. "Hang on, Amanda! I'm coming," he mumbled to himself.

"You don't give her enough credit," Willie replied at hearing Lee.

"What are you talking about, Matthews?" Lee pulled his focus off the road to stare at the younger man sitting to his right.

"Amanda. You still think she needs you to rescue her. She's a more than capable agent, Scarecrow," he reminded.

"Yes, thank you, Agent Matthews. I'm well aware of my partner's capabilities. I –"

"I believe you mean **my** partner. You broke up your partnership when you left her to go play spy without her. Turn right up at the next light." He pointed toward the upcoming street.

Lee did as he was instructed, but then glared at the man as he fought an internal battle. "Listen, Pal! You have no idea what you're talking about. I left to protect her! Addi Birol's second in command put a price on her head in an attempt to get back at me," he thumped his chest for emphasis. "I left her in order to take out his team once and for all! I only came back when I finished the job. So don't sit there and tell me I don't know **MY** partner! You got me?"

"She's not the same person," came his quiet reply.

"What?" Lee growled.

"Amanda's gone through a lot over the past few months, Lee. She's not the same . . . partner you left behind."

"What do you know about her? You think because you've partnered with her for a few months that you know her?" Lee scoffed at the naïve man. "She's still in there. I just need to get through to her and I will, as soon as we find her." Silence filled the car and Lee took a moment to ponder what Willie had said, or rather, how he'd said it. _"She's not the same . . . partner you left behind."_ Did he know about the true nature of his and Amanda's relationship? Did she tell him? Was he just making assumptions? He didn't have time to contemplate things any further as they pulled up out front of the address they'd been given by the Monsanto's secretary.

"This is it. I count three at the perimeter and two more near the front entry. I'm sure there are several more inside. Are you ready, Matthews?" Lee questioned as he pulled his gun out of its harness and checked to ensure that it too was ready.

The younger man did the same and nodded. "Ready."

"Billy said the backup was about 10 minutes behind us. Let's go get her out of there."

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Amanda grunted as she pulled the dead weight of Monsanto's guard away from the opening of the bathroom door. She stumbled on his lost shoe and promptly fell with a thud onto the cold tile. Throwing his leg off her, she stood up and straightened her blouse. She moved quickly to shut the door behind her, stopping to stuff his foot back to allow it to shut. She leaned against the door and let out deep sigh of relief before returning the heavy vase on its pedestal.

She sent up a silent thank you that he'd fallen for the damsel in distress over a silly spider in the tub. "Amateur," she mumbled.

"One down . . ." She called out to the empty room as she tiptoed over to the bedroom door to peek out into the hallway. She reached for the gun she'd taken off Diego after hitting him over the head with the vase, but it wasn't there. She quickly and very quietly, shut the door and stared at the closed en suite door. "Shoot! It must have fallen when I fell." She exhaled just before pushing the door open, careful not to wake the out-cold guard.

Confirming her make shift "ropes" were still secure, she rolled him over in order to reach the gun that he was now laying on. Cringing when she heard a deep thud as his head hit the base of the toilet. "Oops! Sorry about that," she called out as her hand grasped the handgun. She stood up and moved toward the door before stopping and turning back toward Diego. Moving quickly, she reached carefully into his pockets and stuffed the contents into her pants pocket.

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Wanting the element of surprise, they had snuck up on two of the burly guards near the estate entrance and knocked them out cold. They silently nodded to each other before pulling their prey into the guardhouse and handcuffing them both to the metal desk before relieving them of their guns and radios. To add insult to injury, they had used the men's own handcuffs on them. It was only a quick muffled call on the radio for assistance at the northeast perimeter and they had taken out the remaining man guarding the perimeter.

They moved swiftly toward the front entrance and the two remaining guards. A few strategic blows to the head of the much shorter man and Lee had subdued his man. He was now watching in awe as his temporary partner, and former Marine took out his man. Lee had to hand it to the younger man; he knew how to handle himself in hand-to-hand combat. He made a mental note never to give Matthews reason to use his deadly skills on Lee.

Seconds later, Willie was standing on the other side of the front door. "We can't go in there! They aren't here with the warrant yet."

"We're not leaving her in there with that . . . that bastard!" Lee growled.

"But we—"

"Do you smell smoke, Matthews?" Lee interrupted.

"Huh?" He asked in confusion.

"I smell smoke. Don't you?" Lee nodded to the door and looked over to the younger man knowingly.

"Oh, yeah. Now that you mention it, I do smell smoke."

"Yeah, we better get in there in case someone needs help." He pulled out his gun and removed the safety.

"Right. On the count of three?"

Lee nodded and they both prepared to shoulder their way through the door.

Just as they were about to slam into the door they both stopped dead in their tracks when they heard a loud, screeching alarm.


	11. Chapter 11

_And I'm already gone, I'm already gone  
You can't make it feel right  
When you know that it's wrong_

Amanda slid out of the suite and into the empty hallway undetected. The gun that she now carried wouldn't be enough to get her out of this place. There were just too many of them. She had to think of a plan. Eyes darting around, she spotted a possible answer to her current dilemma and she reached into her pocket to pull out the lighter she had just taken from the unconscious man now residing in the bathroom.

Pulling over a chair to just below the smoke detector, she flicked the lighter on and held it close to the detector until it started squawking its alarm. She jumped off the chair and returned it to where she found it before slipping into the unlocked closet just outside the room she'd been held in. As she closed the door, she heard Monsanto yelling frantically to his staff to check on her. They'd be upstairs within seconds and she'd be prepared.

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The sound of splintering wood pierced the relative quiet entry of the estate. There was no tiptoeing from here on out; their presence was no longer a secret. The thunder of feet scrambling up the stairs above them drew Lee's attention. What was going on up there that kept them from noticing the breach in the entry? Did it have to do with the squawking alarm? With his gun trained on the stairs, he scanned the main floor for any sign of Amanda, but saw none. A loud thud and the subsequent toppling of first one and then a second man down the stairs told Lee everything he needed to know about Amanda's location.

Lee silently indicated to Matthews that he was heading up the stairs and that the other agent should move toward the room just to the right of the foyer. Willie did as he was instructed.

Stepping over the disoriented thugs, Lee took their guns and slid them into his waistband before cuffing them both together through the wrought iron stair railing. Once secured, he moved further up the stairs and not wanting to meet the same fate as the last two that made the trek, he called out to her loud enough that she could hear him over the blaring alarm. "Amanda? Amanda, it's me . . . Lee." He jumped when she popped out of the closet just a few feet from the landing.

Unthinking, he pulled her into an embrace. Something only a few months ago would have been natural and easy between the two of them. This, however, was anything but natural. Her entire body tensed and he ended the embrace much more quickly than he'd wanted. When he pulled back to give her the once over, she looked at him oddly and opened her mouth as if to speak, but must have thought better of it and promptly closed it.

"Are you okay? Did they hurt you?" He held her forearms to keep her close and to keep their connection.

She nodded and swallowed hard before answering. "I'm okay. They didn't . . . I'm fine. How'd you find me?"

"It's a long story." They both turned at the loud crash downstairs. "Mind if I tell you after we go save Matthews?" He nodded toward the stairs and they rushed down the staircase.

"How'd you get past the guards outside?" she queried as he handed her one of the guns he'd stripped from the thugs she'd knocked out. "I already have one." She pulled the pistol from her waistband.

"Take it. You might need a second one," he whispered over the commotion from the study before silently indicating that she should take the right flank and he'd take the left. "We already took out 5 of them and with the two you just took out—"

"Three," off his quizzical look she held up her hand indicating the number three. "There's one more in the bathroom. Don't worry, I've got him hogtied with the blow dryer and curling iron cords I found in the drawer.

Not waiting for Lee, Amanda rushed in and attempted to pull Willie off Monsanto. "Willie, stop! Stop!"

"Amanda!" Lee called out after following her immediately into the room.

"That's enough, Willie!" She screamed in an attempt to pull him out of his semi-fugue state.

Lee grabbed him from behind and stopped him from hitting the man again. "I think you got him, Pal. Let me take it from here." Lee patted him on the shoulder and slipped Willie's cuffs off his belt before he finally relented. Lee knew exactly how Willie felt. It wasn't all that long ago that Lee had had his hands around Sinclair, the man who had originally tried to sell Amanda. Come to think of it, he wouldn't mind going a round with this creep himself. This was his second attempt at his fiancé, well . . . ex-fiancé, he thought glumly. His eyes never left hers as he cuffed the man and pulled him up off the floor. Amanda, however, was busy tending to Matthews. Lee heard the rush of the backup enter the room and handed off Monsanto to one of the other agents.

"About time you all showed up," he called to his superior as the older man entered the study.

"You two left quite a mess out on the front lawn. It took a while to clean that up," Billy replied sarcastically. "You and Matthews are quite the two-man wrecking crew!" Their superior gave both men a stern glare.

"Us? Wait until you see Amanda's handy work upstairs," Lee joked as he smiled proudly at her.

"Are you okay, Amanda? Do you need to be checked out?" Their supervisor's tone was much softer when he spoke to her.

"No, Sir. I'm fine now. Thank you, Sir," she replied and gave him a weak smile.

Lee knew she wasn't fine. But he'd make sure she would be very soon.

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 _Two days later . . ._

Amanda sipped her ice-tea as she watched her partner, who now sat across from her in the leather booth scrape the cheese off his sandwich. "Why didn't you just tell him you didn't want cheese when you ordered?"

He regarded her as he removed the final slice and sighed. "I don't want to be a bother. Besides, I like cheese, it's just so . . . fattening."

"Oh! God forbid you eat a few extra calories, Willie!" She laughed, enjoying the carefree nature of their relationship. "Besides, I know you, you'll be in the gym later to work off any 'extra' calories," she rolled her eyes and laughed at his squirming. "You know I'm right."

"Okay, okay." He held up his hands in mock surrender. "Guilty." He took a bite of his reconstructed lunch but couldn't keep from adding, "What about you?" He eyed her suspiciously.

She stopped laughing and stared at him wide-eyed before stabbing a cherry tomato on her plate. "Me?"

"Don't give that innocent look, Mrs. King. How are you holding up after all that's happened?" He reached out to pat her hand.

"Well, it's been . . ." she trailed off as she thought of sarcastic answer but the no-nonsense look he gave her stopped her cold. She inhaled and placed her fork down and answered honestly. "The nightmares are returning, but I'm working through them and they've already started to lessen."

"Good. I still can't believe that guy thought he could buy—"

"Shhh!" She held her hand up to keep his voice down. "I know. I'm just glad it's all over. I'm looking forward to getting back to work and –"

"Liar!"

Her head shot up at his raised voice. "What?" She picked up her water glass and took a sip to clear her palate.

"You aren't looking forward to coming back to work. You've been avoiding it or rather Scarecrow." He raised a brow as if to dare her to deny it.

"Oh, now come on. I've been put on mandatory leave for the next several days. I'm not supposed to **be** at work, except for my appointments with Dr. Quidd."

"Which you've conveniently scheduled at the crack of dawn for the sole purpose of avoiding Stetson." He gave her a 'don't even try to deny it!' look.

She smoothed out an imaginary wrinkle on the tablecloth as she thought of a reply.

"So . . ." he prodded.

"So?" she asked lamely.

"Your partnership was more than just at work." It wasn't a question. He gave her a sympathetic smile.

Amanda bit her lip and shook her head slowly.

"So, when he left last year, he wasn't just breaking up your partnership . . ."

"He broke my heart," she added in a whisper.


	12. Chapter 12

_I'm already gone, already gone  
There's no moving on  
So I'm already gone_

Friday, March 27, 1987

Amanda had accepted the mandatory time off after the Monsanto incident. Much to Billy's surprise, she hadn't even put up a fight when he'd told her she needed to increase her visits with Dr. Quidd as well. Truth be told, it had kept her away from the office and away from Lee. Once Billy had told her how sorry he was that he'd inadvertently told Lee about her miscarriage, well, she just couldn't face her former fiancé now.

So, yes, she had strategically scheduled her every other day appointments with the Agency's resident psychiatrist for first thing in the morning. No matter how much time had passed, Lee would never be a morning person. She was in and out before he had even arrived into the office. When she was home, she made sure to never be alone. Yes, she was hiding from him. She knew it. He knew it. Apparently, Willie even knew it. But, she didn't care.

Now, as she sat watching the Carey Grant/Katharine Hepburn movie with her mother, she felt herself relax a bit. As she watched the two actors running around chasing after a leopard named 'Baby,' she'd realized she too had run out of time. She had only one day before she returned to work. Was she ready to face Lee? No. But she was tired of avoiding him. She planned to spend the next 24-hours prepping herself for the inevitable.

She startled when her mother turned off the TV and grabbed the popcorn bowl and glasses off the coffee table before moving into the kitchen. "You know, Darling, no matter how many times I've seen that movie, I just can't help the feeling I get when she climbs that ladder up to him. Are they going to walk away and forget all they've just been through or will they realize that they have IT?"

Amanda chuckled at her mother's ability to hit the nail on the head. "Yeah, I know exactly what you mean, Mother." She stood from the couch just as her mother was flicking the kitchen light off.

"It's chemistry, Amanda. You either have it with a man or you don't."

"Yes, Mother." She guided her mother up the stairs and then followed close behind.

"Your father and I had it. Oh boy, did we have it." She stopped abruptly and turned to catch Amanda cringing at her last comment and laughed inwardly. "Oh, don't forget the boys have their Junior Trailblazers Spring Jamboree in the morning. We have to be there by um . . ."

"8:30, Mother. Yes, I remember." She nodded toward the stairs indicating for her mother to continue on up.

"I wasn't sure. You've been a bit . . . well, scattered, Dear."

"Yes, Mother," she sighed as they reached the top of the stairs.

"Okay, good night, Love," her mother kissed her cheek and then slipped into her room leaving Amanda shaking her head at the whirlwind conversation they'd just had.

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 _Saturday, March 28, 1987_

Amanda awoke with the sun shining in through the window and the sound of Mr. Thompson replacing his broken fence boards. He had mentioned he would be doing so when she bumped into him at the grocery store the weekend before. 'A little early for that isn't it, Mr. Thompson?' she thought. She stretched as she ran through her to-do list for the day. Stopping mid-stretch when she heard silence in the house. She grabbed the alarm clock perched on her nightstand and cringed. "Oh no! We've overslept!" Quickly jumping out of bed, she threw open the door and yelled to the boys and her mother, but didn't receive a response. She poked her head in their rooms only to find made beds. Moving over to the window of her mother's room, she pulled back the curtain to see that her car wasn't there. "Thank you, Mother!" she let out a sigh of relief.

She grabbed a towel from the hall closet before returning to her bedroom. 'Might as well get to that to-do list,' she thought as she strode into the bathroom. Grabbing her toothbrush and adding some toothpaste, she slipped it into her mouth before reaching into the shower to turn on the faucet. After brushing her teeth, she took a quick shower and then got dressed. The need for coffee had her down the stairs and heading toward the kitchen before she stopped midstride and moved to the front door to snag the Sunday paper.

She moved slowly toward the kitchen as she read the front-page headlines. "Oh no! '3 Die, 4 Hurt in Baltimore Van Crash,'" she read aloud as she slipped into the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee. "What would I do without you, Mother?" she called out to no one when she saw the red light lit up on the coffee maker and a near-full pot. She dropped the paper onto the counter and grabbed a mug. Once she'd added sugar, she took a tentative sip, perplexed by the flavor; it was both familiar and strange. Shrugging, she took another sip and then turned to go sit in the family room and read the rest of the paper. She'd nearly choked on the coffee when she saw Lee sitting in the chair staring at her.

"Amanda," he practically sighed as he stood.

It took everything in her being to hold onto the mug and paper in her hands. With a shaking hand, she placed the paper on the counter and moved toward the couch.

"I'm betting my mother locked the door on her way out," she replied sarcastically.

"Yeah, I uh . . . used my key." At least he had the good sense to look contrite.

She nodded knowingly. "You made the coffee, not my mother," she acknowledged as she sat down on the couch. "You make it stronger than she does."

He held up his own cup. "I figured you'd need it."

"Yeah," she sighed. "Looks like."

"Look, I'm sorry to just barge in here unannounced. It's just been really difficult to speak with you alone—"

"I didn't really make it easy for you," she interrupted. "I was afraid . . ." she trailed off, still not sure she if she was ready.

"You were afraid? Of me?" He sat up and placed his mug on the table.

"Not of you, just . . . to talk about . . . " she shifted uncomfortably. "Well, everything that happened when you left." She clutched her coffee mug as if it was the only thing keeping her from jumping up and running out of the house.

The silence in the room was nearly suffocating. She stole a glance at him and he stared back, neither was willing or able to look away. Finally pulling her gaze away, she took a deep breath. No longer able to stop herself from asking the one question she'd asked so many nights after he'd left. "What did I do?" she croaked. Closing her eyes in frustration at her inability to hide her feelings.

"What?" he asked weakly. "You—you didn't do anything, Amanda," he scooted to the edge of the chair to be closer, but was careful not to touch her.

"You told me you loved me and then you le—"

"I did love you and I **still** love you. I swear to you, you did nothing wrong. I had to protect you."

"NO!" she screamed as she jumped from the sofa. "You don't get to use that excuse again!" her head shook violently as she stood, arms folded across her chest. "I want the truth, Lee." She turned in front of the French doors.

"It's the truth, Amanda. The Karbala had a price on your head. Whether it was because they were getting at me through you or because they felt you were partly responsible for Birol's capture . . . " he rubbed the back of his neck. "I don't know. It doesn't matter anymore. I know that now."

"Why didn't you tell me that then? You made me think . . . "

"I had to take them out. I couldn't trust anyone else to keep you safe."

"But why couldn't you tell me that? Why did you make me feel like I would never see you again—" she gasped when she realized the answer. "You weren't expecting to come back." It was a statement, not a question. Her hand reached out and grasped the back of the wingback chair across from him.

His jaw tensed at her realization, but he only shook his head slowly in response.

An involuntary moan erupted from her lips. All the pain, all the suffering that they had endured because of Birol and the Karbala was just too much to hold in any longer. That wasn't totally true. The most painful had come at the hands of Mother Nature. They had lost their baby for no other reason than it just wasn't meant to be. _Their_ baby. "Oh, Lee! I'm so . . . so sorry," she cried. He was at her side in seconds and pulled her to him without hesitation. She went willingly, craving his touch.

"You have **nothing** to be sorry about, Amanda." He pressed his lips to the top of her head while simultaneously rubbing her back soothingly.

"We lost our baby," she hiccupped.

"I didn't know, Honey. I would have stayed and figured something else out if I'd known. I'm sorry, for causing you so much pain." He pulled her tighter. "It's all my fault."

She pulled back at his last words and looked into his eyes. "No, Lee. It wasn't anything we could have prevented." She took his hand and led him to the couch. "I guess the drugs Birol used on me must have made my birth control pills less potent. When we made love at your apartment . . . well, I guess I wasn't thinking clearly. If I was I would never have—"

"I know. Neither one of us were thinking of anything but each other that night. That was . . . " he gazed at her dreamily. "The memory of that night got me through a lot of long and very lonely nights."

She couldn't help the blush that crept up her neck at his last comment. "I didn't know I was pregnant until I was in the infirmary after my episode with Agent Miller. Dr. Mitchell was concerned and ran some tests. That's when she found that the egg had attached itself to the fallopian tube. It's called an ectopic pregnancy, Lee. There's nothing we could have done to prevent it. It just happens sometimes."

His thumbs were wiping the tears from her cheeks. "But I should have been there for you," his eyes traveled to the floor, the remorse was quite evident. "I made a lot of mistakes and I know I can't make them right, but please know how truly sorry I am." He reached out tentatively and rubbed his finger against her knee. "Are **you** okay, Amanda? I mean, it didn't cause—"

"No, I'm . . . I'm okay."

The look in his eyes made it apparent he was more than relieved at that knowledge.

She nodded absently, her eyes never moving from his hand as it moved gently over her knee. Should she pull away? He had hurt her . . . no, he had crushed her, but she had survived. More than survived, she had really come into her own at the Agency. Sure, she missed him more than she cared to admit and yeah, if push came to shove, she would have to admit that she still loved him. She was human after all. It would be so easy to . . . No, she wouldn't fall under his spell again. She jumped from the couch and grabbed their mugs. "Well, these are freezing!" she called out awkwardly as she moved toward the kitchen.

As if picking up on her uneasiness, Lee stood and followed her. "Listen, I've kept you long enough. I'm sure your mother and the boys will be home soon." He flicked his thumb behind him toward the back door before adding, "I'll get out of your way."

"Oh, uh yeah. Okay, well, thanks for stopping by, Lee." She tried to keep the look of confusion from her face as he turned to leave out the back door.

He whirled around. "Amanda?"

"Yeah?" She held the now opened door.

"Uh, do you think we could uh, continue our discussion over dinner tonight?" At her look of surprise, he rushed on, "Unless you have . . . other plans."

"I don't know . . ." his eyes were pleading with hers whether he knew it or not. "Well, Billy did order us to work things out between us," his eyes lit up and she continued quickly, "so we can work together on finishing up the embassy security."

"Right. So, can I pick you up at seven?" He asked brightly as he backed out of the door into the yard.

"Sure. See you then."

"Okay, wear something nice. Bye!" He smiled broadly showing his dimples.

She smiled in spite of herself as she shut the door.


	13. Chapter 13

_Ah already gone, already gone, already gone  
Ah already gone, already gone, already gone_

Amanda was on the floor of her closet searching for her missing black stiletto when she heard her mother calling from the hallway. "In here, Mother!"

"What on earth are you doing down there?" the older woman asked as she peeked in. "You're going to wrinkle your lovely dress. Is that new, Darling?"

Amanda absently searched behind some boxes and seconds later gave a triumphant cry. "Finally! Sorry, Mother. What did you say?" She pulled herself up off the floor and with a hand on the shelf she steadied herself and slipped on the long-lost shoe.

Her mother straightened the hem of the black lace-sheath dress for Amanda. "I asked if this was a new dress. It's absolutely lovely on you." She stood back and watched her daughter move out into the bedroom.

"Um, I've had it for a while. Just haven't had any place to wear it until now." She knew she sounded cagey, but she really didn't want to make a big deal about her date . . . dinner with her former fiancé . . . former partner, she mentally corrected. Amanda stood in front of the full-length mirror to add the final touches to the look and took in a deep breath to calm her nerves. The dress really was stunning. The three-quarter, lace-covered sleeves and boat neckline gave it a sophisticated look without being too fancy. At just above the knee, it was a bit shorter than she normally wore, but wasn't too short. It fit in all the right places and yet was comfortable to wear. He did say wear something nice. This would fit that bill.

"What's the special occasion?" Her mother asked as the two women's eyes met in the mirror.

"No special occasion. I'm just having dinner with my former boss. He just got back into town after being on assignment for several months." 'There, that was the truth,' she thought proudly. Sure, she'd left out a few important details, but she wasn't willing to share anything more.

"Oh, how nice. Is that Mr. Steadman, whom I met last fall?" Amanda didn't miss the hopeful lilt to her mother's question.

"Uh, it's Stetson, Mother. And, yes." She pinned the last piece of hair back into her French twist just as the muted sound of the doorbell rang. Amanda turned to her bedroom door and then back to her mother. "Mother, could you . . ."

"Of course, Dear. You finish putting yourself together. I'll go talk to Mr. Stet-son." Amanda giggled when her mother enunciated his last name.

After spraying on some perfume and adding a little lipstick, Amanda grabbed the hand towel on the dresser to dry her sweaty palms and headed down to greet her guest.

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Before she even reached the stairs Amanda heard her mother interrogating Lee. "Where are you two off to tonight?"

His rich baritone voice could clearly be heard replying, "Uh, just a quiet little place in Georgetown, Mrs. West."

"Oh, won't that be nice?" her mother replied "So, just dinner –"

"Moth-er! Stop grilling him." Amanda scolded as she descended the stairs. In a softer tone she called out to him when she reached the landing, "Hi, Lee." His dark grey suit and navy tie beneath his dark overcoat were nearly her undoing.

"Hi, Amanda," Lee replied and then cleared his throat. His eyes never leaving hers, he smiled shyly.

Undeterred, Dotty continued, "I'd hardly call that grilling him, Darling. I was just wondering what Mr. Stetson had planned for the two of you tonight."

Clearly neither Lee nor Amanda was listening to Dotty, as they stood staring into each other's eyes.

"Just dinner? Yeah, right." Dotty mumbled to herself before bidding the two of them good night and climbing the few stairs back into the family room to check on the boys. "They've definitely got 'it,'" she added quietly.

Amanda was startled out of her trance at her mother's comments and exclaimed, "We better get going! Good night, Mother!" She called out to the back of her mother's head and then past her she added, "Be good for your grandma, Fellas!"

She pulled her coat from the closet and Lee helped her slip it on before opening the door and ushering them out. Amanda caught the muffled reply from the boys before the door shut fully behind them.

"The boys are watching a monster movie tonight," she told him and glanced back at the house. Not sure if this was such a good idea after all.

"Ah," he nodded as he guided her toward his car parked in front of the house.

"I'm sorry about the third degree back there. My mother means well, she just . . ."

"Don't worry about it. She was perfectly fine. Besides, if I can't handle an interrogation by a suburban grandmother, I have no right being in the spy business."

"I don't know, I think she could give the Russians a run for their money," she said in mock seriousness.

He laughed as he unlatched the gate and held it open to allow her to precede him.

She reached for the car door handle but he slipped in a second before and opened it for her, waiting for her to settle in before shutting the door for her. "Thank you."

He came around the back and slid into the seat next to her. "You're welcome, Amanda." He smiled and started the engine.

They rode the short distance to Georgetown in silence. Amanda's thoughts turned toward an evening they'd shared last fall when they'd gone out for dinner and dancing; they'd spent the entire meal telling stories and laughing about how their lives had changed over the past few years since meeting each other. They'd actually argued on who had influenced whom more. They had called it a draw, never able to agree on a clear winner. The dancing that they'd shared later that night was slow and sensual. The collective space between them was pulsing with electricity.

" _Have I told you how incredible you look tonight?" He breathed into her ear as he pulled her tighter to his chest._

" _Hmmm." She smiled and pretended to recall their conversations. "You may have mentioned something to that affect." Her fingers played with his hair at the base of his neck._

" _Well, it bears repeating." He twirled her around, the skirt of her dress billowing above her knees. She looked up into his eyes and couldn't hold in the squeal that escaped. "Incredible," he whispered to himself._

 _Amanda squeezed her eyes shut in an attempt to memorize every aspect of this night. From the wonderful meal they had shared, the ease of their conversations, the way their bodies moved together on the dance floor, and most especially to the way he made her feel like she was the only woman in the world._

" . . . Incredible," his voice pulled her out of her reverie.

"I'm sorry, what?" she attempted to keep from sounding as flustered as she felt.

He turned his focus off the road and onto her when they rolled up to a stoplight. "I was just saying that this restaurant is supposed to be incredible.

"Oh, right. Great," she replied flatly.

The remainder of the drive was spent in silence; neither willing to break the awkwardness that had settled over them.

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They both sat quietly in the secluded booth as their waiter poured them each a glass of wine before taking his leave. Their meals now perfunctorily ordered, the silence ensued until neither one of them could take it any longer.

"Amanda –"

"Lee –" They laughed nervously.

"Please, go ahead," she graciously offered.

He nodded his appreciation. "I, uh . . . I know we've rehashed all that's happened but I need you to know how truly sorry I am for the decisions I made . . . without you." He played nervously with his silverware. "I guess I thought it would be easier for you if I weren't in your life anymore. That you could go back to your life before me, before the Agen—"

"Lee, you may have been what brought me into this business, but you're certainly not what kept me there."

"I really thought if I was gone . . ." He glanced up and gave her a remorseful look.

"I'm a good agent, Lee. I may have started out doing it to make the world a safer place for my boys, but somewhere along the way I realized that I'm doing it for myself." She inhaled and exhaled deeply, summoning the courage to continue.

The look he gave her seemed to acknowledge her hesitation. "Go ahead, Amanda. We need to lay it all out there," he encouraged.

She bit her bottom lip and nodded in agreement, but never broke the steady gaze. "Lee, you broke my heart when you left."

"Aman—"

"No," she held up her hand to stop him from the inevitable apology that she was certain was forthcoming. "I need to say this and honestly, you need to hear it." She took a quick gulp of her wine before continuing. "When you left, it was one of the most difficult times of my life. I was already dealing with the aftermath of Birol and the flashbacks and I know I should have told you that I was struggling, but I really wanted to prove to you, and maybe to myself, but most of all to you, that I did belong and that I could handle it. So, I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you. But, you . . . you don't get to just make decisions for me . . . for us. **You** don't get to decide that **you're** going to fight the monsters alone and **you** don't get to decide that **you're** walking out of my life. We made a life, Lee. You and me, and I know you didn't know about it, neither did I, but I couldn't even tell you what had happened because you were gone." She was shaking so hard, the tears were free flowing now. "I lived that kind of life already with Joe. **He** made unilateral decisions. **He** decided that I would stay home with the boys. **He** decided we would uproot our family to Estocia. **He** decided that we were getting a divorce. I love you, Lee but I promised myself I would never live that kind of life again." She opened her mouth to continue, but he placed his hand on top of hers to stop her and she looked up in confusion.

"You still love me?" he asked hopefully.

"That's all you got out of that?" She squeaked and threw him an exasperated look as she wiped at her tears.

He chuckled and shook his head. "Oh no, I heard everything you said," he smiled broadly. "You're right. All of it, you're right. I won't marginalize your opinions or feelings ever again. Going forward, we're a team. Partn—"

"Now, hold on a minute. You have us all back together as if nothing happened. I can't just fall back . . ." she sighed deeply as the waiter chose that very moment to bring them their salads.

"Here you go, Folks." He placed both plates in front of them and then wielding a giant pepper mill, hovered over Amanda's plate. "Pepper, Ma'am?"

"Yes, please." After a few twists, she held up her hand. "That's good. Thank you."

He repeated the motions with Lee's salad and almost as if sensing their irritation due to his poor timing, he left them alone again and they ate their salads in silence.

"Amanda, I know we have a lot to talk about, but I want you to know that I will do whatever it takes to get us back to where we were before all of this happened."

"But don't you see? We can't go back. I'm not the same Amanda I was back then and you're not the same Lee. So much has happened."

"So you just want to throw it all away? I can't accept that, Amanda." He slammed his fist on the table and then cringed when she jumped.

"Oh, well, we can't always get what we want, Lee!" the sarcasm practically dripped from her.

"You know I didn't mean it like that," he whispered. He reached for her hand and let out a small sigh of relief when she didn't pull it back. "I meant, I know what we have between us is special and I can't and I won't let anything keep us apart." He squeezed her hand and waited until she looked up at him before continuing, "Even my obnoxious need to protect you." He smiled endearingly at her.

The waiter returned hesitantly, as if he was walking into a minefield. When he caught Lee's teasing demeanor he laughed along. "Okay, well that's better. I bet you're both ready to dig into these fantastic entrees, huh?"

In spite of her mood, Amanda laughed heartily.

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Lee found himself counting up the small triumphs of the night on their drive back to her house. He mentally ticked them off, the stolen glances, the shy smiles, not pulling away at his touch . . . Before long he pulled up in front of 4247 Maplewood Drive.

"Thanks for dinner, Lee." She unbuckled her seatbelt and reached for the handle but stopped when his hand grasped her shoulder and she turned and stared unseeing at his hand.

"Amanda?"

"Sorry, I just . . ."

"Let me walk you up." He didn't wait for a response and quickly unfolded himself from the vehicle and came around to open her door before reaching his hand out to help her out.

"Thanks," she whispered into the quiet night as he took her hand and guided her toward the gazebo in the backyard.

He could sense her unease in the way her shoulders tensed and with every slide of her pendant across the chain around her neck. "Amanda . . ." he pulled her hand from her necklace and placed it on his lap. "What do you want?"

She startled at his question. "What?" she asked wide eyed.

Running his index finger over the back of her hand he repeated his question, "What do you want?" She rose from her seat next to him and walked to the other side of the gazebo and stared at the moon. "What do you want out of this relationship, Amanda? Do you even want a relationship with me?" When she didn't answer he stood to leave, taking her stillness as her unwillingness to move past his mistakes. "For what it's worth, I really am sorry that I screwed this up. You were—you **are** the best thing that ever happened to me and I will always love you, Amanda." He pushed himself off the pillar he'd been leaning against, and with a deep sigh, he turned to leave.

"There are times when you know you will love someone for the rest of your life," her raspy voice croaked from the darkness of the shelter.

Lee turned quickly to see she hadn't moved. However, there was something more relaxed about how she held herself. He felt himself drawn back into the darkness.

She turned her watery eyes to him and smiled weakly. "Do you know the moment I knew?" At his shrug and shake of his head she returned to the bench and patted the seat next to her wanting him to join her, when he did she continued. "I knew when you committed treason to get me back from the Russians that I'd always love you."

Lee snorted at the memory.

"Don't laugh! You risked not only your career but also your life for me. No one had ever sacrificed themselves for me like that." She took his hand and held it in between both of hers. "Little did I know it would be a frequent occurrence," she laughed to herself.

"That was awfully early into our relationship, Mrs. King," he teased.

"Yeah, well sometimes you just know when you have 'it' and boy did we. We were amazing together." She said in awe as she gazed intently at his hand between hers.

Lee lifted her chin to look him in the eye and very pointedly responded, "We **are** amazing." He bent down and captured her lips ever so gently and when he pulled back, the moon hit her eyes just right and he swore he could see the sparkle return. He was mesmerized by the look of love in her eyes and as if all control had been drained from his body, his mouth fell to hers and he kissed her senseless. "Can I take you to breakfast tomorrow?" he whispered warmly into her ear and she simply nodded in agreement.


	14. Chapter 14

_Remember all the things we wanted  
Now all our memories, they're haunted  
We were always meant to say goodbye_

"Sounds like we're on track for wrapping up the security set up for the Cinco de Mayo celebration at the Mexican Embassy in time. Even with the drama surrounding former Ambassador Monsanto." Billy gave Amanda a reassuring smile. "Great job Amanda, Willie, and Lee."

"Thank you, Sir." Amanda replied warmly.

"Thanks, Billy," Lee winked at Amanda.

Willie simply nodded his appreciation.

"Okay, People. That's it for today. Be careful out there."

Lee watched as the other agents filed out of the conference room, and called out to Amanda just as she reached the door. "Amanda?"

She turned and raised an eyebrow in question.

"Lunch?"

"Sure. Just give me a minute. I'll meet you in the lobby?"

He nodded and gathered the reports spread out in front of him.

"Well, well, well . . ." Francine sashayed over to where he was sitting and leaned her hip against the table. "Aren't you two chummy again? And so quickly, Scarecrow."

"Knock it off, Francine. It's just lunch." He slipped the papers into the file folder and stood to make his escape before she got into full 'spy' mode.

"Just lunch? You two have been inseparable since you got back," she gave him a knowing glare.

"We're partners, Francine. Partners enjoy each other's company." He moved toward the exit but she blocked his way with her arm across the doorway.

"I think Willie may have something to say about that. After all, they **are** officially assigned as partners. And if you think no one is catching those little looks the two of you are giving each other from across the room, you're delusional."

"Willie and I? He's not my type, Francine," he deadpanned.

"Sure. Go ahead and joke, Stetson." She poked her index finger into his chest. "You hurt her again and you'll have me to deal with. You got that?" Her steely blue eyes glowered at him.

"Ow! Yeah." He rubbed his chest and wrinkled his nose. "Yeah, I got it."

Not wanting to keep Amanda waiting any longer, he moved quickly to the outside elevators and as he pressed the button, the doors opened to reveal his partner.

"I was getting worried. What took so long?" She moved the hanging coats to allow him to enter.

"One word," he sighed.

"One word?" her brow creased.

"Francine," he stated matter-of-factly.

She let out a sigh. "Now what?"

"She made it clear she's onto us." He reached for her hand and they both instinctively glanced at the video camera in the corner of the closet elevator.

"So, she grilled you on what you're doing to your reputation dating me?" She rolled her eyes.

"Oh, quite the contrary, Mrs. King." At her surprise he continued. "It seems she's grown quite fond of you. You know, she actually threatened me with bodily harm if I hurt you again." He absently rubbed his chest.

"Well, that's sweet of her, but totally unnecessary -"

"That's what I told her!" He interrupted just as the elevator indicated it had reached the lobby.

Amanda continued undeterred as the doors opened. "If you hurt me again, I'll kill you myself," she affirmed and then walked out of the small space, leaving Lee staring dumbfounded.

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The roar of the Mariachi band could be heard as they glided into the lobby of the embassy. Lee took his and Amanda's coats and checked them. When he returned, he took a moment to run his fingers lightly down the large keyhole opening down the back of her dress. Smiling inwardly when he felt the goose bumps that appeared immediately on her bare arms. She really did look amazing in the navy colored floor length gown. The modest slit showing just enough of her long, trim leg as she walked. Lee squeezed her hip and pulled her closer to him as they entered the ballroom.

"Lee, have you forgotten this ballroom is filled with our co-workers and superiors?"

"Of course not, Amanda."

"Then we should probably put some space between us or Francine won't be the only one onto us."

"Not a chance." She didn't think it was possible but he actually pulled her even closer to him as they made their way to the bar. "If I let you go, some lothario is going to swoop in and try and take you away from me. Nope, I'm not going to risk it." He leaned in and whispered conspiratorially, "Besides, I don't care if the entire intelligence community knows that I love you." He released her but took her hand instead as they saw their friends at the bar. "I'm tired of hiding and living half a life, Amanda."

She looked up at him unsure if he was being serious.

"Lee! Amanda! Come join us." Billy held out two glasses of champagne to them. "We were just about to toast to a successful event."

"Are you trying to jinx us, Billy?" Lee joked and took both glasses, handing one to Amanda.

"You have to think positively, Scarecrow." Their superior laughed. "I have all the faith in the world in my team."

"Thanks, Mr. Melrose," Willie replied.

"I only wish my team was staying together a bit longer," Billy commiserated.

"What?" Amanda's focus flipped between her superior and Willie, waiting for an answer.

"Sorry, Matthews. I thought you'd already told her." Billy said guiltily.

"Come on, Amanda." Willie grabbed her hand. "Let's dance."

She handed her glass to Lee and allowed Willie to pull her to the dance floor before Lee could protest.

Willie pulled her to him and she pulled back immediately to look him in the eye. "What was Mr. Melrose talking about?"

"Amanda . . . I accepted a position in the San Diego office. It'll mean I'll be able to see my sister and –"

"Your nieces," she finished for him. She grinned. "I'm really happy for you. I know how much you've missed having your family nearby, Willie.

"Yeah." He pulled her back to him to finish their dance. "I'll miss you, Partner but I think I'm leaving you in good hands."

Amanda pulled back and placed a sweet kiss on his cheek. "Thank you for everything," she smiled.

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Lee watched eagle-eyed, his fist clenched at his side. "What is it with that guy?" He took a sip of his champagne and nearly choked on it when he watched her kiss her dance partner.

Francine turned to look at what Lee was focused on. "Who? Willie?"

"He's always touching her," he grunted, his eyes never leaving the dancing couple.

"Well, they **are** dancing, Lee. That's usually how it's done," she chuckled at his obvious jealousy. Taking the glass from his hand, she placed it on a waiter's tray as it passed by. "Come on, let's dance."

"Fran-cine . . ." Lee sighed and followed her onto the dance floor.

"Oh, hush. Unlike you, your girlfriend won't be jealous if you dance with a friend." She raised a brow at him daring him to deny it.

"First of all, I'm not jealous. I just don't like him –"

"Anyone," she corrected.

" . . . Touching her," he finished with a sneer as the song ended and a new one began.

"They're just friends, Lee."

Lee snorted, not comfortable in the other images flitting in his head. He twirled her around to scan the dance floor, but didn't see the other couple.

"Just like we're friends."

He pulled back to give her a horrifying look.

"Oh, no. Not **just** like us," she back peddled. "She's not his type, Lee. I assure you."

"What is your problem with Amanda, Francine? You've always made her out to be some frumpy housewife. She's a very beautiful, sexy –"

"Lee! I know that. I mean she's REALLY not his type." She nudged her head toward the bar, "Take a look for yourself."

He turned expecting to see Willie and Amanda, but instead saw Willie talking with another man who appeared to be around the same age as Willie. They were talking animatedly and Willie placed his hand on the other man's arm in an intimate manner and smiled. At Lee's look of confusion Francine whispered, "Like I said, she's not his type."

Lee stood with his mouth agape.

"And for the record, I don't have anything against Amanda. Over the past few months I've come to realize why you fell in love with her."

Lee couldn't help the look of surprise on his face at the blonde's declaration. Was he more shocked that she finally appreciated all that was Amanda King or that she knew that he in fact loved his partner?

"Don't look so shocked, Scarecrow. It's obvious to anyone who cares to look that the two of you only have eyes for each other." As the song came to an end she added one last parting shot. "I meant what I said before. Don't hurt her, Lee or you'll have me to answer to. Thanks for the dance," and with a wink she was off.

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As the night began to wind down, Lee and Amanda were finally able to dance together. It was liberating to hold her in his arms and not care who might see them. She was his and he was hers. That thought warmed his soul and he pulled her more tightly to him as the soft sounds of the song wafted over them. Lee closed his eyes as she played with his hair at the base of his neck.

"You're driving me crazy, Amanda," he whispered in her ear and nipped it in the process. Turnabout was fair play after all.

She moaned ever so slightly causing Lee to swallow hard.

"Why don't we get some air, huh?" He was guiding her to the small Juliet balcony off to the side of the room before he even finished his question.

She nodded. "Sounds good."

He closed the French doors behind them and then took off his jacket and placed it over her shoulders to fight off the cool spring air. The music and conversations trickled through the doors creating a comforting hum. "So . . . it sounds like you're going to be needing a partner again."

She sighed into the night as she looked down at the garden below. "Looks like."

"Are you taking applications?" He slid his hand around her waist and pulled her close, waiting for her answer.

"Mmmm. I have to warn you, it's a long application process." She giggled when his lips began a trail from behind her ear down the column of her neck.

"Oh, I'm not worried about that."

"No?"

He paused his ministrations. "Uh uh. See, I'm in this for the long haul."

She inhaled and bit her lip. "Well I'm glad to hear it. This process will take up **a lot** of my attention."

"I'm looking forward to it, Mrs. King."

"So am I, Mr. Stetson." She crushed her lips to his as she grabbed fistfuls of his shirt to pull him closer. "So am I," she whispered when they came up for much-needed air.

"Hmmm," he gave her a perplexing look.

"What's wrong?" she questioned as she glanced around the small area.

"Something just doesn't sound right." He pretended to be contemplating something important.

"What doesn't sound right, Lee?"

"Mrs. King," he repeated.

"What?" she half laughed and half wondered.

"Your name. 'Mrs. King' just doesn't seem . . . right." He wrinkled his nose and then reached into his pocket and pulled out the very familiar black velvet box. Bending on one knee he opened the small box and held it out to her. "Someone once told me that there are moments in one's life when you can actually pinpoint the moment you realize that you'll love someone for the rest of your life."

With glistening eyes, she bit her bottom lip and let out a nervous laugh.

"That moment for me was in the back of an ambulance as I watched this smart, beautiful, very brave woman fight for her life after being poisoned. No matter how scary the situation, she always overcame it and was ready to take on the world."

He smiled up at her. "Amanda King, will you do me the honor of being my wife?"

She nodded her head as she sniffed and wiped at the tears that had escaped. "Yes. Yes!"

Lee stood and with shaking hands, slipped the ring onto her left hand one last time. This time it would stay there for all to see. He pulled her into a passionate kiss and then hugged her fiercely. "We better get back inside, Amanda." He kissed her temple and they moved toward the doors.

He glanced down to see her sliding the ring off her hand before they reentered the room. "What are you doing?"

She looked up at him and stopped what she was doing. "Don't worry, I'm just taking it off before we go in. Francine will spot this in a second."

He was shaking his head before she even finished her statement. "No, Amanda. It stays. We're not hiding our relationship anymore. We're doing it right this time." He slid her ring back in place and then took her right hand in his left and opened the doors. They smiled up at each other, both realizing that they really did have 'it' this time.

The End

A/N: Thanks for reading and your wonderful feedback! I hope you enjoyed it! -Tj


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